The Two Traits that Make a Marriage
(Col 3:12-17) (2/1/15)

INTRO

We’re in the fifth week of a sermon series on relationships.  Jesus said that one of the two rules of Christian living was to love your neighbor as yourself, to love one another.  We strive to do that in marriage, but somehow just too many of us just don’t like one another very well and 40 percent of marriages dissolve.  Puff!  I wish it was just a “puff,” but people, men, women, children get hurt in the process.  We need to do better.

Last week we talked about the ministry of marriage, those things we do to minister to one another, to lift up each, to bless each other, to become better and better friends and companions.  We introduced three concepts:

First was the love bank.  The concept that in our relationships we make deposits in this emotional joint account we have with one another and hopefully we will always have a positive balance.

There’s a card in your bulletin that lists some things that we can do to bring ourselves closer to the other.

On one side are the things women do that men say make them feel closer to them.  And on the other side is what women say men do to make them feel closer to them. 

When we do these things we make deposits in our emotional love banks.

The second concept we talked about last week was that what we were really doing when we drew one another closer was weaving the various types of love together through our relationships.  That’s on the bottom of the blue side of the card.

And on the bottom back of the card are three simple rules, Wesley's rules of discipleship applied to relationships, that we closed with last week:

First, do no harm.  No zingers, no negativity.  Do none of those things that create an instantaneous overdraft to our love bank.

Then two, do good.  Live into the covenant you have between one another.  Fill the love bank to the brim.

Lastly, stay in love with one another.  Intentionally weave the five loves into your relationship.  Romance, giving of one’s self, friendship, especially friendship, love of family, and then give color and charm to them all with affection.

Today, we’re going to talk about two traits that can make or break a marriage.  They are not innate, they can be learned. Think of them as muscles that can be strengthened, that can become stronger. Two things you are going want to do regardless of age or length of marriage.  Next week we’ll close the series with “Making Love Last a Lifetime,” something we all want, right?

BODY

Well, why the series?  When I first began preaching in little country churches, I thought all of the marriages were like Bob and Rosemary’s, lifelong and rock solid.

One of the first gatherings we had with the church was a 60^th wedding anniversary.  Later, we had a couple marry in their 70s.  Isn’t love grand?

After we left, we found that one widower had gotten married rather quickly and had gotten a divorced just as quickly, within a year.  So much for love at first sight.

Then a couple in their 30s, the couple we thought were the future of the church with two delightful little girls, split apart.  So much for happily ever after.

But there’s one more, and this is not a very big church and very much like our own.  A couple in their 60s decided they could speak to one another so she’s moved out and in with her daughter and her husband in another town.  (And I have a hunch she’s putting stress on her daughter’s marriage.)

And all this in small church, smaller than this.  We need to hear what God has to say about relationships.  We need to learn how to live into the covenant that we have made with God and between ourselves.

The fact is, and these are shocking statistic: We know that about 40 percent of marriages end in divorce.  But the shocking thing is that only about half of those that survive are in happy relationships.  That means that only 3 of 10 of those who stand together and pledge to love and to cherish really do!  3 of 10!  There has to be a better way!

Marriage expert John Gottman (See footnote) has studied marriage up close for forty years.  He categorizes marriages in two: The “Masters,” those who have mastered the art of marriage and relationships, and the “Disasters,” disasters, you get the picture. 

What Gottman wanted to know how the “Masters” created love and intimacy that lasted through thick and thin; and secondly, why the “Disasters” squashed it all.

What are the traits that make marriage like God intended it to be?

GOD

Hear the word of God: ¹² As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. ¹³ Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord^[a] has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

The Bible has much to say about marriage.  Marriage was an important metaphor.  So much so, it is described as the relationship between Christ and his Church.  Christ the bridegroom and the Church his bride. 

Marriage is part of the Bible narrative from the Garden of Eden in Genesis, to the restoration of the Garden in Revelation. 

In Genesis God creates marriage as a covenant between a man and women.

In Revelation the New Jerusalem is seen as a coming down out of heaven from God as a bride adorned for her husband.

Marriage is special to God.

And I think our passage today contains the very best instructions for marriage.  It is my Wedding Scripture.

It begins, “Holy and beloved, clothe yourselves.”  In other words, put on.  Put on an attitude of.  “Put on an attitude of compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”

“Bear with one another… forgive each other, as Christ has forgiven you.  You must also forgive.”  Remember, we said that forgiveness was a pillar of marriage.  Here, we’re not given a choice: “You must also forgive.”

And then, put on love, agape-love, God’s example of sacrificial giving of self.  Love binds everything together in perfect harmony.   One of the translations says it “binds everything together in unity, and oneness .”

TURNING TOWARD EACH OTHER

So, based on God’s instruction, let’s put a whole bunch of pennies in the love bank.  And I say pennies, because that’s what Gottman observed from the marriage “Masters.”  It wasn’t the big things, it was the little things they observed happening between the “Masters” each and every day.  He calls it “Turning toward each other” (rather than away). 

Gottman saw that “Masters” of love engage in chitchat, pennies worth, in which they are connecting quite frequently.  They are turning toward each other.  They are putting pennies in the love bank.

What Gottman observed is that the man or the woman frequently may make a simple “bid” for the other’s attention.  The woman might say, looking out the kitchen window, “Look, the cardinals are back.  I see one in the tree.”  Her spouse has the opportunity to say or do nothing, turning away, or responding, “You saw the first ones last year, too.  Spring, and baseball won’t be far behind.” 

Now, in this case the woman is not just making a comment about a bird, but she is making a bid for the attention of her husband.  She is hoping, consciously or unconsciously, for a response, a sign of interest from the other.

With each turning towards, what they are saying to each other is that we value you.  You are a person of worth.  You are important to me.  Gottman believes that this little actions are more important than a candle light dinner in keeping love and romance alive.

It may sound silly, but each time one of them turns toward the other, they are putting a penny in the love bank.  And my thought is that every time they fail to do so, that is they turn away, they withdraw a dime!

By the way, if you can't figure out what silly little things to say to bid for one another’s attention, you need to have a dog in the house.  Sometimes I say we wouldn't know what to talk about if we didn't have our dog Gracie. She's a topic we use to turn toward one another.

Bidding relationships throughout the day had a profound effect on marital wellbeing.  Gottman followed the couples for six years, and those still together after that time had turned toward one another, had responded to one another, 87 percent of the time.  The “Disasters,” those divorced in that six year period, had only turned toward the other 33 percent of the time.

I would suggest to you that turning toward one another, both the bidding and responding, is giving of yourselves, it is agape, it is the love, as we read in Colossians, “it is the love that binds everything together in harmony, in unity, as one.”

Trait number one that the Masters of Love possess is that they “Turn toward one another.”  They bid, simple things, a penny at a time.  And they respond, turn toward one another, a penny at a time.  But before you know it, the love bank is filled to the brim.

KINDNESS

The second trait that “Masters” of love exhibit is kindness.  An attitude of kindness.  “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness..” Colossians says.  “Put on an attitude of kindness.”

While contempt, criticizing, blaming, belittling, contempt is the primary factor that tears couples apart.  It is kindness, kindness, that is the glue that holds couples together.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, validated, understood—loved. 

And it seems to work both ways, it builds upon itself.  The more one receives or witnesses kindness, the kinder they become.  It leads to an upward spirals of love and generosity in the relationship.  There is a spirit of generosity in the relationship that involves kindness.

And you can be kind even when you are angry.  Putting on kindness doesn’t mean that we can’t express our anger or dissatisfaction, but it does mean that we make a choice, we choose kindness in expressing our anger.  We can throw contemptuous spears, or we can take a kinder path.

We have the ability to choose, to choose before we speak.  We have the ability to say, “What words can I choose so that what I express is not perceived as critical or blaming?  What words can I use to express myself that are kind?”

Hear this: Kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. 

The second of the two traits that “Masters” of love exhibit is kindness.

Two traits, Turning toward each other; and Kindness.  But even then marriages fail.  They are assailed by outside influences.  They are attacked.  They need protection. 

We don’t stay down on the farm anymore.  Even rural areas are suburban.  On most farms these days, one or the other of the partners are in the workplace.

       We encounter the opposite sex.  Hormones surge. 

We think it’s love when it’s really lust.  We say to ourselves foolishly, “That’s the right person.  This is the one I should have met first. We were made for each other.  We were made for one another.”   Do we remember the first sermon?  The myth if the right person?  They don't; and they destroy their marriage.

Years ago, I heard a radio program describe protecting your marriage.  The called it putting hedges around your marriage.  It could be walls or fences or motes, but they called it hedges.  You don’t let anything inside the wall that can attack your marriage unless you bring guards along with it.

And of course what they were saying is that you never let a person of the opposite sex inside those walls without protection.  You never meet alone, eat alone, drink alone, travel alone with a person of the opposite sex.  Period.

Of course that may be impractical in today’s environment.  But if you find yourself in such a situation that is unavoidable, you need to establish a virtual hedge, you create a virtual guard.  You need to recognize that you are in a danger zone.  Hedges.

A few weeks ago, I read an article about Billy Graham.  He was going to have a private meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. 

When they arrived, Billy asked Hillary’s assistant if his, Billy’s, assistant could sit in.  Hillary’s assistant objected saying that when Hillary wanted a private meeting, that’s what she meant, private.

Billy said, “Since I got married in my 20s, I swore to myself that I would never be alone with someone of the opposite sex other than my wife, and until this time, I have never made an exception.”  Billy had put hedges around his marriage.

I would suggest that if it was good enough for Billy, if Billy thought it was necessary for himself, that we ought to heed his words.

You remember Jimmy and Tammy Faye Baaker?  What if Jim Baaker had said the same?  What if Jimmy Swaggart had said the same?  What if, and every one of you can fill in the blank of someone whose lives would be remarkably different had they heeded Billy Graham’s advice.  What if they had done the same?

Hedges.  Protect your marriage with hedges.

CLOSE

Clothe yourselves with an attitude of kindness.  It is the glue that holds relationships together.  It is the number one predictor of satisfaction and happiness in a marriage.

Set aside criticism, contempt, negativity, and blame, for contempt is the number one factor that tears relationships apart.

But it is kindness that counters contempt.

Put on an attitude of kindness.  Clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility and gentleness.

 

And two, turn toward one another.  Bid for one another’s attention in a hundred different ways, a penny at a time. (Our graphic, our two coffee cups, have been waiting five weeks to show you what it means to turn toward one another.)  In little ways, bid for the other’s attention,

Then, receiving a bid, turn toward one another in a way that shows that you value the other, that you affirm the other, that the other is important to you in the grind of everyday life.

When we turn toward the other, we give of ourselves even if it is momentary.  Even then in that momentary response, we put on love, agape, giving of ourselves which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Put on kindness; turn toward one another in love. So may it be with you all.  Amen.

1) Footnotes: Frequent references to John Gottman's research presented in "Masters of Love," "The Atlantic," June 12, 2014.