HeartSmart: Habits that Hurt, Habits that Heal

(Eph 4:29;31-32) (1/18/15)

INTRODUCTION

Last week we talked about “Taming the Shrew Within Us,” words that hurt.  One author felt so strongly about words that hurt that he described them as the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. You may remember them from the Book of Revelation.  You don’t have to be a student of the Bible to know about them, they’re famous in all of literature.

John, the writer of Revelation says, “I heard one of the four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, “Come!”  I looked, and there was a white horse!  Its rider had a bow; a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer.”  Conquering.

Then a bright red horse.  Blood.  War.

And a black horse.  Famine and pestilence.

Finally a pale green horse.  Death and plague.

Conquering, war, famine, death.  Not good things.

Well, the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships are not good things either.  And they can lead to the death of a relationship.  Marriage expert John Gottman lists them as “Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and stonewalling.”

Criticism.  Now, a complaint is a legitimate part of relationships, the unemotional description of a problem to be dealt with.  The difference, the difference between a complaint and criticism is that a complaint is about behavior.  Criticism on the other hand is character assassination.  A complaint stated in a non-blaming, positive fashion would be “The house needs to be picked up.”
Criticism on the hand would be “The house needs to picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up?”

Contempt takes it a step further conveying disgust for the other, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mocking, hostility that is poisonous to a relationship.  Contempt might say, “The house needs to be picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up, you slob?”

Defensiveness is normally a means of blaming the other person.  “I’m just too tired to pick things up.  You know I have to work two jobs just to keep you in shoes.  You’d think you were Imelda Marcos.”  Yes, defensiveness is normally another form of blaming and is often contemptuous. 

Stonewalling.  As the level of criticism, and contempt and defensiveness rises almost like handing off batons in a relay, one partner or the other completely tunes out.  It’s protection from being overwhelmed by the negativity of hurtful words.  Stonewalling cuts off communications and heralds in death to the relationship.  The pale green horse has arrived.

How is it that turn the habit of words that hurt into a habit of words that heal?  Listen to Ephesians 4:29, 31 and 32: ²⁹ Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up,^[a] as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
What if we were slow to speak so that nothing critical or contemptuous or blaming ever came out of our mouths but only that which was useful for building up, for blessing, for giving grace to the other?  What if?
The passage continues: ³¹ Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, ³² and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.^[b]
“Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  As you can tell, this is one of my favorite verses.  Kindness heals, tenderheartedness heals, forgiveness heals.  And my belief is that they heal both parties.  “Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”

BODY

Harsh words are a habit that hurts.  Kind, tenderhearted, forgiving words are a habit that heals.  Of course there are other damaging habits that destroy relationships, destroy lives.

One such habit is abuse.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse so demeaning that it destroys.  Abuse.  Do you know that every 15 seconds in the United States a wife is abused by her husband?  Mostly the man, but we only have to read the book or see the play, “Misery,” to know that it’s not always the case.  And parents can abuse children both physically and verbally.

Unfortunately abuse is learned and is passed from generation to generation.

Some survive to lead productive lives, too many don’t.  Some confuse harshness with love.  It’s the only thing they’ve experienced.

Yet love lifts up, makes us to grow.  Abuse demeans and diminishes us, makes us lose all self-respect.  I’ve heard people call those things that diminish another as “evil.”  If anything would make God weep, it would be the abuse of the most vulnerable among us.

Abuse destroys.  Society has decided, and I think God would agree, that people need to be protected from abuse.  Certainly abuse harms, destroys family relationships.  A habit that hurts.

Dishonestly and Lying. 

I’m not sure where betrayal starts, but it manifests itself in lying and dishonesty. 

No relationship can withstand an onslaught of dishonesty and deceit. 

What about little white lies?  What if you believe a lie is in the best interests of the other?  What if you believe a lie is loving?  I can’t answer that.  I’m sure that once in a lifetime that may come to pass.  But I can’t answer that.

This is such a deep and dark subject that I have to add a little humor to.  My favorite Cowboy poet Yvonne Hollenbeck has something to say about lying, about when lying might be a good thing.  (“Cuttin’ Katie”  (Sorry folks, you had to be there!))

Poor handling of money.  Actually, in many surveys, money is the biggest cause of divorce.  Poor handling, poor communication about money and spending, debt that can lead a family to be deprived of essentials can lead to mistrust and deception and lying.  See where this is going?  Poor handling of money can feed into many of the other hurtful habits: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—the pale green horse arrives again.  If there is any inkling of a money problem, I would recommend that a couple attend a Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University” course at the earliest opportunity.  Not only will it teach you to manage money using Godly principles, but to communicate about money, and teach you to get and stay out of debt.  Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University.”  There are classes starting soon in Auvasse, Columbia and Jeff City.  See me if this is of interest to you.  “Financial Peace University.”  A really good course

The last two destructive hurtful habits I’ll start with a story. 

Our first real duty assignment was Ft Rucker AL.  One of the officers in our unit who became a real friend was Captain Bob Step.  Good guy, kind, warm-hearted, broadshouldered, big guy.  You could never imagine that anything could take him down physically.  One of the things we remember was that he had a Model A Ford and he used to come by and take our kids for a ride and it had a uga horn.  The kids, they were five and three when we left there, loved it.  His wife, Nancy adored him.  They were a great pair Bob and Nancy were.

We left there in 1966.  He probably did too, and then came back.  We went back to Ft. Rucker in 1972 and by that time Bob was there.  We bumped into him at the bar in the Officer’s Club.  Six years.  Just six years.  The physical transformation was astounding.  This big broad-shouldered man was a shell.  Dark circles under his eyes, gaunt cheeks, ashen complexion, skinny, alcohol had destroyed his health. 

He had been passed over for promotion.  Alcohol had destroyed his career too.  But more than that.  Bob had involved himself with an Army Nurse and together the infidelity and the alcoholism had destroyed his marriage.  The nurse got out of it, but Bob couldn’t get over it and his marriage was in shambles.  Nancy had just left to go home to Pennsylvania when we had met Bob, wretch that he was.  I don’t know which came first, the drinking or the infidelity, probably together.  We make terrible decisions when suffer from addictions.  Bob’s marriage, his career, his very life were destroyed by addiction and adultery. 

Of course there are other addictions too that we have to deal with that we may not have had to in the 60s and 70s.  Drugs, gambling, pornography.  Yes, even in the country.  Two more quick stories.

Ron and Darlene were our next door neighbors in Connecticut.  For a while.  Ron was reasonably successful.  I think they had paid cash for the house when they moved in.  Reasonably successful, then problems started.  We knew because Darlene was the type that when she opened her mouth her life story poured out whether you wanted to hear it or not.  She told everything, at least everything she knew.  Later we would find out that Ron was dealing with two addictions, cocaine and gambling.  Vicious circle.  He hoped winning would cover his drug debts which he needed to cover his gambling guilt.  And the gambling debt mounted and the drug problem got worse and worse.  Darlene had no idea how bad it was until Ron had to get out of town.  I’m sure his gambling debt was up to here and his life was being threatened.  He left town, gave the house to Darlene and headed for someplace in the mountains of New Mexico never to be found.  What Darlene found out, however, was that there was no more equity in the house.  Ron had mortgaged it all for his addictions.  Darlene was left with nothing.  Addictions, habits that hurt.

The next addiction story is closer to home.  And you just don’t think about it as part of the rural landscape.  I’ve been teaching lay speaking in Missouri for 15 years.  One of the couples, farm couple, we don’t have any Berts or Betty’s here so I’ll call them Bert and Betty.  Mid fifties maybe when I met them.  Bert and Betty were at every training event.  Dedicated to one another. 
I didn’t see them for a few years and I had a worship event that I knew that Betty could help with so I invited her to participate.  She came with her sister.  At some point her sister confided that Betty’s life was in chaos.  Bert was in jail.  The Sheriff had found child pornography on his computer. 
Betty has now dropped out of the church.  I think because it was child pornography, Bert was not accepted back into the church when he got out of prison.
Their relationship, their faith, their life is in shambles. 
They are not alone.  Pornography is an addiction.  A big addiction.  The pornography industry is a 15 billion dollar industry in the United States, a 100 billion dollar industry world wide.  With the internet, it can have its tentacles into every house in the country, every city apartment, every country farm house.  It can warp the way we view relationships.  It can destroy us.

Habits that hurt, no—habits that destroy.  If you know someone who is on or who is at the precipice of addictive behavior, there is God based help.  I’d highly recommend Celebrate Recovery, a Christian based, 12 step program available at Form Boulevard Christian Church in Columbia that provides support for all nature of addictive programs.  If you have any questions, have them see me or call me privately day or night.  Or just go to Forum.  Their meetings are from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday afternoons.  If you know anything about 12 step programs, you just go.  Know this that God cares.

HABITS THAT HEAL

God cares.  (Sometimes we have to take it upon ourselves “to teach your wife to lie and make sure she packs a knife.”)  But God cares.  That’s why he wants us to lead good lives in relationship with one another.  That’s why he doesn’t want us to harm one another.  That’s why he teaches us to live in harmony with one another.  That’s why he teaches us habits that heal.

It’s been said that if we would simply follow two kingdom habits that much of the misery in this world would instantly fall away.  Two kingdom habits:

What James called the Royal Law: Love your neighbor as yourself.  Love your neighbor yes, but love yourself too.  If one truly loved themselves they would avoid addictions at all costs, avoid harm to themselves at all costs.  The Royal Law, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

And the Golden Rule: In everything.  I think that’s important, in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you.  We want to be treated with kindness and grace, do we not?  We want to be blessed, to have the best for our lives.  If we would only recognize that and then “Do to others as we would have them do to us.”  Jesus said, this sums up all the law and the prophets.

Do unto others.  I think God wants us to be kind to one another which brings me again to today’s scripture, Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  Be kind, use words that bless the other, that seek the best for the other.  Wouldn’t you like to be known as the person that brightens the room when they enter because everyone knows that the words you will use will be words of grace, words that build others up, words that heal.  That is a habit that heals.

Now I want to talk about the habits that I believe are the two pillars of relationships.  “Forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.” 

We are human, we are imperfect, we make mistakes, we make mistakes in our relationships.  Therefore the six most important words of all in our relationships are
-- “I am sorry.”  That’s three.
-- And the other three are “I forgive you.”
--The six most important words: “I am sorry.” And “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is a habit that heals: “Forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  More than a habit, a command.  Jesus says, “You must forgive.”

The second pillar of relationships is Prayer, prayer for the other, prayer for your beloved.  Make it a habit to pray for one another, ask God’s blessings on one another, seek the best in the life of the other, give thanks for one another.  If you ask, how can you not act, too, in a way that blesses the other and seeks the best for the other, is thankful for the other.  Make it a healing habit to pray for one another.

CLOSE.

We are human, we suffer from the brokenness of the human condition.  How is it that we can minimize habits that hurt and maximize habits that heal so it is that we don’t hurt those that we love and instead bless them? 

Going back to our first sermon: We become the person we want, wants.

We do so by living a life that is pleasing to God and we do so by prayerfully placing ourselves in God’s hands.  And when we do that, God molds us, changes us.  We call that process sanctification, God taking us from where we are and molding us into what he wants us to be.  We can do little to change ourselves, but God can change us.  We can do little by ourselves to become the person we want, wants, but God can mold us to become that person.

Prayerfully place yourselves under the guidance of Jesus’ call to love:
--Love is patient.  Love waits out the other, and in the meantime…
--Love is kind.
--Love places the interests of others above self.
--Love never keeps a record of wrongs, but instead forgives.
--Love is not easily angered, instead we choose to love.
--Love always seeks to bless the other, seeks the best for the other person.
--Love never fails.

Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.  And pray for the other.

Place yourselves under God’s hand.  God will make you the person you want, wants.  So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.

HeartSmart: "Taming the Shrew"

Second in the HeartSmart Series on Relationships

 

HeartSmart: “Taming the Shrew”

(Eph 4:29-31; Ja 1:19) (1/11/15)

INTRODUCTION

Last week we began a new series, “Heartsmart,” about relationships.  Relationships are important to God, with us and among us.  That’s what the biblical story is about, God’s relationship with us, with the community of believers, and a personal relationship through Christ’s incarnation.  Then if you think about Christ’s commandments, they are all about relationship: Love the Lord your God, yes; but love your neighbors as yourself; by this you will be known as my disciples if you have love for one another; in everything, therefore, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Relationship.  Relationship is important to God.  It needs to be important to us.  We need to talk about it.

Last week we began the series with the title, “The Right Person Myth.”  For this series, rather than a short summary in the bulletin each week like I’ve done in the past, I’m printing a few copies of the entire sermon that will be available in the back.  I’m also posting them on line at my blog so that people like Claire and Cody can have access to them.

So last week we said, whether you might be a person looking for a friend, a single looking for a mate, or a married person in a new season of life where things aren’t as you might want them.  Maybe our Prince Charming isn’t; or maybe our Snow White is a little dingy, or maybe we’re different.  In the meantime, in the meantime, instead of frustratingly looking, searching in vain, we are instead to become the person we’re looking for is looking for, becoming the person we want, wants. 

As a Scripture, we used 1 Cor 13 (“If I speak in the tongue of men and of angels and do not have love, do not have charity, do not have agape, I am nothing.”) and said it was never meant to be a wedding scripture but about relationships.  Paul didn’t write it to a married couple, but to a small church.  It is about how we are to treat one another in relationship.  In fact, it’s a checklist on how we can become the person we want wants, the person we’re looking for is looking for.  If fact we created a card with such a checklist.
--Love is patient.  Patience is the theme.  In the meantime, we use the “love” checklist to become the person we want, wants.  We focus on ourselves, not waiting for the other.  We are only in control of ourselves.
--Love is kind.  When we enter the room, do the dogs scurry into the corner, or does the warm-hearted index rise?  Do people smile as the result of our presence?  Do they feel blessed because we are here?  Love is kind.
--Love does not eny, it does not boars, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.  In other words, love puts the interest of others ahead of self. 
--Get the picture?  Examine yourselves often using love, active, sacrificial love of 1 Cor as a checklist.

Always seek to bless the other person, to be a companion, to be understanding.  One of the primary reasons people desire to be in relationship is to have someone who understands them.  Be that person: Seek to bless, to be a companion, be understanding.

Last week, I used, maybe overused, Rick and Rosemary as an example.  Truth be known, we get along pretty well.  We are not confrontational people.  In fact, if anything, we shy away from confrontation.  We’ve found ways to work things out, to accept things that we can’t change, to be gentle.  I’m happy about that because I don’t like confrontation.

But guess what, we can’t always avoid it can we?  We can’t always avoid confrontation.  In business, I often had to get involved in negotiations.  Stakes can be high, emotions can run high.  In fact, sometimes I thought my job depended on the outcome.  High stakes. 

I can remember times when I had a person on the other side of the table who had little to lose, scream at me, be abusive.  I would feel things welling up inside me, about to explode.  A couple of things I learned

First, extricate yourself.  One person calls this “Go to the balcony.”  If you can’t leave the room physically, do it mentally, extricate yourselves.  Mentally, people might recommend counting to 10 (or maybe a hundred) until you respond.

The second is, and I’ve found this is much better than counting, is to pray for the other person.  It is difficult to get upset with the other person if you are praying for them, asking God’s blessings on them.  Better than counting.

BODY

And we know people who fly off the handle, say things they deeply regret, and after the fact, say that they don’t mean to but time after time they hurt the people they care about the most.

Then there are those who can’t seem to have conversation without their emotions getting in the way and before you know it, someone is out of control.  That is the shrew that is within us.

How did they get that way?  What do we do now?

This is not a new problem.  In Psalm 4, considered a Psalm of David, in other words written a 1000 years before Christ, not a new problem, it says, “When you are disturbed, do not sin; ponder it on your beds, and be silent.”  I would interpret that as saying, “sleep on it.”  “Give it time.”  “Give it thought.”

Good advice for a physical reason.  We were made with this wonderful thing called adrenalin that surges into our system when we are in trouble and causes what we call a “Fight or Flight” reflex.  No time for thought, just respond.  Jump out of the way of the oncoming car.  Or stand your ground, fight or flight. 

No time for thought.  The adrenalin actually shuts down rational thought so we don’t stand there analyzing the oncoming car saying “That sure is a pretty car.”  Without thinking we jump.  We get a command from the back of brain to jump.  Without thought “jump.”

(In one of my many trips to Australia, Rosemary went along on two.  On our first visit, she couldn’t get used to the jet lag and by the fourth day, she still hadn’t slept—a basket case.  Anyway, on the fourth evening we were in Melbourne and a group of us decided to walk across the street from the hotel for dinner.  Rosemary looked, stepped in the street to go across and was immediately greeted by the blaring of a horn.  She ran across six lanes of traffic before anyone could say anything.  What we learned was that the most dangerous thing in Australia was not driving on the wrong side of the road, by looking the wrong way before you stepped off the curb.  The second thing is that adrenalin caused us to jump, in this case across six lanes of traffic.

Likewise when we are threatened by words, and our emotions well up inside us, the adrenalin rush shuts down our thoughts and we speak without thinking, sometimes hurting the people we love the most.

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me” is simply not true.  We know that.

And one more thing, every “zinger” can undo 20 acts of kindness or love.  Every zinger!

GOD

It’s not new.  It’s an age old problem, and God has a lot to say about it.

James says, “the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! ⁶ And the tongue is a fire. [He continues] The tongue is placed among our members as a world of iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature,^[a] and is itself set on fire by hell.^{[b] 7} For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, ⁸ but no one can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. ⁹ With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. ¹⁰ From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters,^[c] this ought not to be so.”

Then in 1:19, he says, “let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger;

And Paul says in Ephesians, chapter 4: “²⁹ Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up,^[a] as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear…. ³¹ Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, ³² and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.^[b]”

Let no come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up so that your words give grace to those who hear.  Grace.  Let your words bless the other person.  Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God is Christ has forgiven you.  Be imitators of Christ.

CLOSE

So when confrontation occurs if emotions arise, if we feel the shrew emerging within us, how are we to act? 

First, if we have a choice, “Sleep on it.”  If not sleep on it, “Nap on it.”  What I mean by that is take a break, go to the balcony.  The reason is that it takes 20 minutes to get adrenalin under control once that rush occurs.  During that time, rational thought is diminished and we are likely to say those things we regret.

As Psalm 4:4 says, “Sleep on it.”  At least nap on it.

The second rule in taming the shrew within us is to “be quick to listen.”  Listening is the best way to avoid an escalation of a war of words, “Be quick to listen.” 

Psychologists call this “Listen-talk.”  When we respond to another, especially if they are spiraling out of control, by replying not with our rebuttal, that’s what we want to do right, tell ‘em what we think right now, not with our rebuttal, but by conveying what they’ve said, what we’ve heard.  And if what we have heard is emotionally charged, we acknowledge that too.  “You think me spending all weekend with my fantasy football friends is neglecting the kids and you’re angry about it.”  (or hunting, or fishing, or shopping.  You get the picture.)

But it’s not time to state your side of the story until you know your partner or your friend understands that you understand.  One of most infuriating things of all is for the shrew within us to think we’re being ignored or the other party is not listening, or doesn’t understand how important an issue is to us.  We can convey our attention, our understanding with Listen talk.

Steve Covey in “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” said it this way: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”  Listen talk does not mean we agree.  It means we understand and is intended to convey that we understand to the other.  Listen-talk avoids criticism and deflects blame, both emotional parts of arguments.  Convey understanding.

It is what James said, “Be quick to listen.”

Then James says, “Be slow to speak.”  Why slow to speak?  We need to take time for our words to be measured, even if the time is only a second or two.  We need to be positive in describing problems and solutions.  We need to minimize blame and criticism.  We can only do that if we are “slow to speak.”

“Look, I recognize that neither of us is spending enough time with the kids.  What if I make sure I spend at least a half day every weekend with the kids.  And what if I pick up the household chores a couple of nights a week so that you can spend more time with the kids, too?”

Measured, slow to speak, positive recognition of the problem and positive in describing solutions.  It’s only possible if we are slow to speak.

Now if he had been even more thoughtful.  He might have added.  “Why don’t we spend time going to church together as a family?”  That would have been thoughtful.  That would have been “slow to speak.” 

James ends with, “Be slow to anger.”  Go to the balcony.  Take a break.  Do not let the “Shrew” within us win.  An emotional response of “I’ll damn well do what I want.  They’re my weekends” said in an angry tone is only going to get a more shrill and emotional retort.  Be slow to anger.  It breaks the escalation of the conversation.

By the way, if you and your partner are prone to escalating arguments, you need to create a house rule, one that says you can stop.  If you feel anger welling up or see it in your partner, you can “stop,” or “I need a nap,” or some agreed to code word that with it promises when things cool down, you’ll get back together and talk calmly about the problem.  Be slow to anger.

Why?  Because God says so.  Lots of reasons, but that may be the best.  God says so.  I love these lines from Ephesians: “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice.”  In other words, “Be slow to anger.”  Then Paul continues: “and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  In your conversations, in your problem solving, imitate Christ.  Be kind to one another.

And if you can’t do that take a break.  Call time.  Go to the balcony.  Take a nap.  Sleep on it.

By the way.  Another rule.  While you’re sleeping on it, you can’t be scheming how you are going to get even.  Instead, pray for one another.

WE

We began by saying that relationships are important to God.  So important in fact, Jesus begins and ends his teachings on the Sermon on the Mount giving instruction on relationship. 

Remember, after the beatitudes, Jesus begins his instruction by saying, “You have heard it said of men of old, you shall not murder, but I tell you whoever is angry with his brother or sister….”  Relationships.

Jesus then concludes the Sermon on the Mount by using half of Chapter 7 to give us rules for relationships.

I’m not going to read all 12 verses from Chapter 7, but you are familiar with all the pieces of it.  You may not have put it all together as relationship instruction.

He begins by telling us “Do not judge.”  Important relationship instruction, right?”  And he admonishes us to examine the log in our own eye.  Again, acknowledging that we may not be able to do much about the other person, but we can about ourselves.  “Do not judge.  Why are you critical of the speck in the other person’s eye when you won’t even examine the log in your own.”  Great wisdom for relationships.

The next verse are these strange sayings about not casting your pearls before swine or they’ll just trample them underfoot.  Maybe within the context of today’s message, Jesus is telling us that within the context of a heated, an emotional discussion, even our pearls, our best arguments are going to be rejected, trampled underfoot.  Don’t do that.  You’re just escalating the heat, damaging your relationship.  Instead of casting your pearls before swine, be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” 

Next in Matthew 7, Jesus gives a short interlude on prayer.  What did we say?  In the midst of heated discussions, pray for one another.  “Ask, seek, find.”  Pray for understanding.  Pray for God’s blessings for the other person.

Then Jesus wraps it all up.  Relationships.  He says, “Therefore in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you; for this is the law and the prophets.” 

And what do we want in our relationships?  We want to be blessed, we want to be understood, we want companionship.

How do we tame the shrew that is in us?  Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.  Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.  Treat others as we would like to be treated.  The very core of Jesus’ teaching is about relationships.  So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.

HeartSmart: "The Right Person Myth"

First in the sermon series, "HeartSmart," Prairie Chapel UMC

(Ge 2:8;21-25; 1 Cor 13:4-8a NIV) (1/4/15)

INTRO

This year will mark our 55^th Wedding Anniversary.  I can remember our first kiss.  We were 14, freshmen in high school.  We went to the movies together.  First date?  Not sure.  Rosemary was staying at a friend’s house about a block from the movie theater.  In Burke, most places weren’t much more than a block apart.  I lived three blocks from the movie theater.

Anyway, it was a cold January night.  Clear sky.  Moonless night.  I’m guessing it was 10 below, the kind of night where the snow squeaks beneath your shoes when you walk.

I walked Rosemary to Barbara’s house and we kissed on the front step.  At least I kissed, I’m not sure what she did.  I ran all the way home!

That was 60 years ago, this month.  60 years ago.  I’m sure that along the way, Rosemary and I believed that we were just the right person for one another.

But do you know how much we’ve changed over those 60 years?  How many different people we have been?

Rosemary was a student, a telephone operator, a secretary with great responsibility, a mother, an Army wife, a wife and mother waiting for the husband/father to return from war (that was a life in itself), a mother grieving a lost son (another life), a person entering new seasons, a person at times wondering who the “hell” I was, a grandmother, a preacher’s wife (a good one I might add).

And me: a student (a couple of different times), a starving lieutenant, a pilot, a warrior, a returning soldier (and I would have to say a difficult one.  I came home a different person each time.  Difficult, especially after Korea.), a hobbiest, passionate about hobbies: photography, a golf nut, a grieving father (much different than the grieving mother I described, yet we clinged to one another as we both dealt with our grief), an executive with a major corporation with the demands that that brings, a small business owner with different demands, a grandfather, a religious nut. 

One of the myths of our society, I suppose fostered by the Prince Charming, Snow White fantasies (“Someday my Prince will come”) is “If I could only find the right person, if I could only meet, bump into, marry the right person everything would be alright.  We would live happily ever after.”  Right?

So, which one of these Rosemarys I’ve described in the right person for me? 

Which one of these Ricks is the right person for her?  Which, if ever, was Rosemary’s Prince Charming?  And if there ever was a day or a time that I was, the next day or the next season I was definitely not.

By the way, there was a time when our marriage was nearly perfect.  Rosemary was the perfect princess.  It was in flight school and the flight surgeon gathered all of the student’s wives together and told them if we didn’t get a good breakfast we would have low blood sugar and probably crash and die.  Rosemary fixed me breakfast every morning!  Perfect.  Until she figured out that the flight surgeon was a chauvinist and besides, I could get breakfast at the flightline if I’d just leave a little earlier.  But for a while, it was perfect.

By the way, this idea of change, that the right person is a myth, also applies to our other relationships: our friendships, our siblings, our families.  And you that your brothers, sisters, in-laws, whatever are not always the right person, but you’re stuck with them anyway.  Whether arrogant, rude or redneck, you’re stuck with them anyway, right person or not!

So if the right person is a myth, how is it that we learn to be in relationship?  Society must prepare us right?  We have 12 or 16 years of education, the schools must teach us right?  If we are going to get a driver’s license we have classes to take, tests to pass.  If we are going to buy a gun, we have fire arms safety classes we have to take.  Society must prepare us for relationships.  No?

If we’re of age, all we do is go to the courthouse and plunk down a few dollars and buy a marriage certificate.  I guess the test is the ability to find the courthouse and the church or the justice of peace.

So, how is it we learn to be spouses?  From our parents.  But in this day and age, the probability is that at least one of the people in the marriage will be coming from a home in which the parents are divorced, maybe not so amicably.  What do we learn from that?

Friendships are the same way.  As children we form our friendships and make our enemies on the playgrounds apart from parents and teachers.  We do it by trial and error.  And we learn to shed friends when they aren’t the right person.  And in 40 percent of our marriages, we do the same.  Forty percent, two in five.

We need models for our marriages.  What does an ideal marriage look like?  A story: An elderly married couple, golden years climbs into bed together.  The wife says, “Honey, when we were younger, you used to lay a little closer.”  So he sidles over a little bit.  In a while, the wife says, “Honey when we were younger, you used to hold my hand.”  So he reaches over, finds her hand, intertwines his fingers.  Then she says, “Honey, when we were younger, you used to nibble on my ear.”
With that, the husband throws of the covers, heads out the door of the bedroom and down the hall.  Dismayed the wife calls out, “Honey, where are you going?”  To which he replies, “I’m going to kitchen to get my teeth.”

Maybe the example of married we are looking for is one in which a spouse will get out of a warm bed, into the cold of the house and go to the kitchen to get his teeth simply so that he can bless the other one with no reward to himself.  Maybe that’s what a relationship looks like.

So maybe before we go further I can give you the definition of what a Godly relationship, whether marriage or friendship looks like: A Godly relationship is one in which the partners seek to bless one another and be a companion to one another. And guess what, they do it through thick and thin.

I say Godly relationship.  Relationships are part of God’s plan.  Marriage was God’s big idea.  So big, so important, relationships and marriage show up in the creation narrative, the first three chapters of the bible. 

Creative narratives, creations stories.  You know there are two of them from two different God-believing communities of faith, maybe stories from as much as four centuries apart.  We know them both.
--In the first, God creates the world in seven days.  Each day he looks on his creation and calls it good.  On the sixth day he creates male and female together and says it is good, very good.
--The second story begins in chapter two.  It is the story of Eden.  God creates man and places him in the garden.  It doesn’t take long for God to see what he had declared good was not so good after all and he says so: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
--God says, “I know what I will do, I will create a helper that is suitable for him.”  Helper that is suitable.  Suitable, suitable.  Keep that in mind.  It will become a word that is both wonderful and maddening at the same time.  “I know what I will do, I’ll create a helpmate that is suitable for him.”

So the story goes, God puts Adam into a deep sleep and takes a rib from his side, so made from the very same stuff, God creates woman.  And Adam is amazed.  He says, “At last, at last, this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”  And in the next breath, God creates marriage: Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.  And the man and the wife were both naked and they were not afraid.”  (Ge 2:24-25)

A helper that is suitable.  By the way, helper in no way is intended to be subordinate too.  The same Hebrew word is used in other places with God as helper.  Definitely not subordinate.  But it’s this word “suitable” that I’m interested in.  Suitable does not mean the same.  Suitable does not mean the same.  In fact, one Hebrew definition means that it is opposite.  A helpmate that is opposite.  Not opposite in a bad way but in a good way.  A helpmate that is opposite in a good way.  If that is true, can you see why our spouses, our helpers can be maddening at times, frustrating at times?  And why we may think they are not always the right person?

Doesn’t sound like God’s big idea was so big after all does it?  If we’re not supposed to be looking for the right person, what are we to do? 

If we’re a single hoping for a spouse?  What?  Or married seemingly in a different season of life than our spouse?  What?  Or family, or lonely, or looking for a friend?  You hear that often in kids don’t you, but in adults too, “I don’t have any friends.”  People just hoping that someone will enter their lives.  What are we supposed to do?

If the right person to do that is a myth, what are we to do?  According to one of my gurus, Andy Stanley, what you are to do while you are waiting, instead of waiting for the right person to come along, what you are to do is “Become the person you are looking for is looking for.”
Instead of searching for the right person, become the person you are looking for is looking for.  The… person… you… are… looking for…. Is looking for.

In my wedding sermons, I turn this around a little bit.  So Sandra and Darwin, you’ll hear this again.  I start with definitions of success and happiness.  We all want successful marriages right?  We all want happy marriages, right?
The definition of success is “Getting what you want.”  Sounds right.  “Success is getting what you want.”
Happiness, the definition of happiness is “Wanting what you get.”  “Wanting what you get.”

Which of those Ricks did Rosemary want?  Which season of life?  Some, many, but others maybe not so much.
--Now for Rosemary, if the Rick she got at that point, was not the one she wanted, she may not have been able to do much about Rick.  That was the one Rick she had for that time.
--But there was something she could do in the meantime.  She could become the person she wants, wants.  In fact, it’s something she wants to do all the time, knowing that our lives from time to time are going to be out of sync.  In the meantime, all the time, we strive to become the person we want, wants.  And when we strive to do this, we influence the other person, too.

GOD

So how is it we become the person we want, wants?  The person we’re looking for is looking for?  We begin by looking at the foundational ideas of our faith.  We are to love one another.  And this is whether the context is family or friendship or marriage. 

Long before the gospels were written to give voice to Jesus’ words, Paul and James in their letters were saying that the whole law (James called it the royal law) can be summed up in love your neighbor as yourself.

The Greek word they use is agape, an active, sacrificial love that expects nothing in return.  Just as we defined marriage, an active love that seeks to bless the other person.  In those things you think, say, or do in your relationship with another seek to bless them. 

Agape is the word used in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, the words that are often called the love chapter.  Agape.  The King James Version translated it as “Charity”  “If I speak in the tongues of men and angels and have not charity.”  We can be great, we can seem to do all things, but if we do not seek to bless others, we are nothing.

Agape.  By the way, the love chapter was never intended to be a wedding scripture.  It was intended for all relationships.  It was talking about how we are to treat one another in community.  It was about friendships.  Of course it is about partners too.

So what does it tell us?  Reading from the NIV translation, First Corinthians 13 verses 4 to 8:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails.

Love is patient.  Love involves waiting.  What do we do in the meantime?  We seek to become the person we want, wants.  Love is patient.

Love is kind.  I looked up the definition of kind: “Having a friendly, generous, warm-hearted, sympathetic, agreeable, beneficial nature.”  I would add, one that seeks to bless the other.  When you come into the room, when you come into the presence of your friends or your beloved, do dogs scurry into corners, or does the warm-hearted index rise?  That’s what we want: When we come into the presence of our friends or beloved, we want the “warm-hearted” index to rise.  We are going to have a lot more to say about kindness in the fifth message of the series.  I would suggest the most important of the six messages.  A message about kindness.

“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.”  It puts the interest of the other above his or herself. 

”it is not easily angered,”  We’re going to talk more about this next week.

“it keeps no record of wrongs.”  Forgiveness is essential in relationships.  If we are going to become the person we want, wants, that includes forgiveness.  “Forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

^“6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails”  Love wants the best for the other.

CLOSE

There’s a lot of grist here.  But here’s the deal: This is how you become the person you’re looking for is looking for, the person you want, wants.

And you become that person now, not waiting until the next person or the next season or life shows up, comes along side.  You begin now.

There’s a story of a girl brought up in a good Christian home that went off to college and slipped into a routine of frequenting singles bars and hooking up on a frequent basis and then one night encountered Mr. Right at a social gathering.  She told her mother about him and mother was aware of her daughter’s side from virtue.  The daughter told of Mr. Right as being a person of good Christian values who just glowed, said and did all the right things.  The mother said, “O honey, a guy like that probably isn’t going to want a girl like you.”  At that point she resolved to become the person she was looking for is looking for.  Beginning now.  Waiting until the next time is too late.  Now.

Likewise, waiting until we hit a rough patch or our relationships are going well is not the time to begin.  Don’t wait to become patient, or kind, to be trusting, or protecting or persevering.  Now is the time to become the person you want, wants.

To help you, I’ve given you a card with this passage on it.  Use it as a checklist.  Keep it in a purse, fold it and keep in your wallet, make a tent out of it and keep it on your desk.  But use it!  The other side is for a later session but you can peek at it.  Use the card.  Start becoming the person you want, wants, now.  Look at it daily, evaluate it daily

Love, agape.  What we’re talking about is how we become a loving person.  In all relationships, but especially in marriage, what does agape look like?

When Rosemary and I moved to Columbia, we met a couple at church, Rev. Bob and Marie Treece.  Bob had taught seminary at Boston University and he was my Sunday School teacher at Fairview.  Marie was beginning to show signs of dementia and problematic.  She often walked away from home and her Alzheimer’s was not pleasant.  In a few years, Bob, now eighty himself had to put Marie in a care facility.  Bob’s love never failed.  Even though Marie had nothing to give in return, Bob spent every day with her, at least four hours every day, and every day he would tell her the stories of their life together.  Being her companion, striving to bless her in anyway he could.

After three years, Marie passed away.  What Bob was doing in the fading years of Marie’s life was jumping out of an otherwise warm bed and heading to the kitchen each day to get his teeth in order to do anything he could to bless her.

That was agape.  That was what it means to bless another, to be their companion “in sickness or in health, as long as we both shall live.”

A few months after Marie passed away, Rosemary and I were eating at Panera’s and noticed Bob and a widow from church in the Target wing of the mall.  Octogenarians both.

Adelene was a pastor’s widow, delightful, delightful person.  As we observed Bob and Adelene talking we saw Adelene pick some lint off Bob’s sweater.  We said, is there something going on here? 

A year or so later, there was a wedding at the church.  It was the happiest wedding I’ve ever seen.  All of the families, including Marie’s were delighted.  The whole congregation was excited.  These were two people everybody loved.  Everyone was excited about them being together, able to bless one another, to be companions of one another together.

And as I put together this message, I came to understand why.  Bob and Adelene had spent their entire lives becoming the person they want, wants.  Amen.