The Two Traits that Make a Marriage
(Col 3:12-17) (2/1/15)

INTRO

We’re in the fifth week of a sermon series on relationships.  Jesus said that one of the two rules of Christian living was to love your neighbor as yourself, to love one another.  We strive to do that in marriage, but somehow just too many of us just don’t like one another very well and 40 percent of marriages dissolve.  Puff!  I wish it was just a “puff,” but people, men, women, children get hurt in the process.  We need to do better.

Last week we talked about the ministry of marriage, those things we do to minister to one another, to lift up each, to bless each other, to become better and better friends and companions.  We introduced three concepts:

First was the love bank.  The concept that in our relationships we make deposits in this emotional joint account we have with one another and hopefully we will always have a positive balance.

There’s a card in your bulletin that lists some things that we can do to bring ourselves closer to the other.

On one side are the things women do that men say make them feel closer to them.  And on the other side is what women say men do to make them feel closer to them. 

When we do these things we make deposits in our emotional love banks.

The second concept we talked about last week was that what we were really doing when we drew one another closer was weaving the various types of love together through our relationships.  That’s on the bottom of the blue side of the card.

And on the bottom back of the card are three simple rules, Wesley's rules of discipleship applied to relationships, that we closed with last week:

First, do no harm.  No zingers, no negativity.  Do none of those things that create an instantaneous overdraft to our love bank.

Then two, do good.  Live into the covenant you have between one another.  Fill the love bank to the brim.

Lastly, stay in love with one another.  Intentionally weave the five loves into your relationship.  Romance, giving of one’s self, friendship, especially friendship, love of family, and then give color and charm to them all with affection.

Today, we’re going to talk about two traits that can make or break a marriage.  They are not innate, they can be learned. Think of them as muscles that can be strengthened, that can become stronger. Two things you are going want to do regardless of age or length of marriage.  Next week we’ll close the series with “Making Love Last a Lifetime,” something we all want, right?

BODY

Well, why the series?  When I first began preaching in little country churches, I thought all of the marriages were like Bob and Rosemary’s, lifelong and rock solid.

One of the first gatherings we had with the church was a 60^th wedding anniversary.  Later, we had a couple marry in their 70s.  Isn’t love grand?

After we left, we found that one widower had gotten married rather quickly and had gotten a divorced just as quickly, within a year.  So much for love at first sight.

Then a couple in their 30s, the couple we thought were the future of the church with two delightful little girls, split apart.  So much for happily ever after.

But there’s one more, and this is not a very big church and very much like our own.  A couple in their 60s decided they could speak to one another so she’s moved out and in with her daughter and her husband in another town.  (And I have a hunch she’s putting stress on her daughter’s marriage.)

And all this in small church, smaller than this.  We need to hear what God has to say about relationships.  We need to learn how to live into the covenant that we have made with God and between ourselves.

The fact is, and these are shocking statistic: We know that about 40 percent of marriages end in divorce.  But the shocking thing is that only about half of those that survive are in happy relationships.  That means that only 3 of 10 of those who stand together and pledge to love and to cherish really do!  3 of 10!  There has to be a better way!

Marriage expert John Gottman (See footnote) has studied marriage up close for forty years.  He categorizes marriages in two: The “Masters,” those who have mastered the art of marriage and relationships, and the “Disasters,” disasters, you get the picture. 

What Gottman wanted to know how the “Masters” created love and intimacy that lasted through thick and thin; and secondly, why the “Disasters” squashed it all.

What are the traits that make marriage like God intended it to be?

GOD

Hear the word of God: ¹² As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. ¹³ Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord^[a] has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

The Bible has much to say about marriage.  Marriage was an important metaphor.  So much so, it is described as the relationship between Christ and his Church.  Christ the bridegroom and the Church his bride. 

Marriage is part of the Bible narrative from the Garden of Eden in Genesis, to the restoration of the Garden in Revelation. 

In Genesis God creates marriage as a covenant between a man and women.

In Revelation the New Jerusalem is seen as a coming down out of heaven from God as a bride adorned for her husband.

Marriage is special to God.

And I think our passage today contains the very best instructions for marriage.  It is my Wedding Scripture.

It begins, “Holy and beloved, clothe yourselves.”  In other words, put on.  Put on an attitude of.  “Put on an attitude of compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”

“Bear with one another… forgive each other, as Christ has forgiven you.  You must also forgive.”  Remember, we said that forgiveness was a pillar of marriage.  Here, we’re not given a choice: “You must also forgive.”

And then, put on love, agape-love, God’s example of sacrificial giving of self.  Love binds everything together in perfect harmony.   One of the translations says it “binds everything together in unity, and oneness .”

TURNING TOWARD EACH OTHER

So, based on God’s instruction, let’s put a whole bunch of pennies in the love bank.  And I say pennies, because that’s what Gottman observed from the marriage “Masters.”  It wasn’t the big things, it was the little things they observed happening between the “Masters” each and every day.  He calls it “Turning toward each other” (rather than away). 

Gottman saw that “Masters” of love engage in chitchat, pennies worth, in which they are connecting quite frequently.  They are turning toward each other.  They are putting pennies in the love bank.

What Gottman observed is that the man or the woman frequently may make a simple “bid” for the other’s attention.  The woman might say, looking out the kitchen window, “Look, the cardinals are back.  I see one in the tree.”  Her spouse has the opportunity to say or do nothing, turning away, or responding, “You saw the first ones last year, too.  Spring, and baseball won’t be far behind.” 

Now, in this case the woman is not just making a comment about a bird, but she is making a bid for the attention of her husband.  She is hoping, consciously or unconsciously, for a response, a sign of interest from the other.

With each turning towards, what they are saying to each other is that we value you.  You are a person of worth.  You are important to me.  Gottman believes that this little actions are more important than a candle light dinner in keeping love and romance alive.

It may sound silly, but each time one of them turns toward the other, they are putting a penny in the love bank.  And my thought is that every time they fail to do so, that is they turn away, they withdraw a dime!

By the way, if you can't figure out what silly little things to say to bid for one another’s attention, you need to have a dog in the house.  Sometimes I say we wouldn't know what to talk about if we didn't have our dog Gracie. She's a topic we use to turn toward one another.

Bidding relationships throughout the day had a profound effect on marital wellbeing.  Gottman followed the couples for six years, and those still together after that time had turned toward one another, had responded to one another, 87 percent of the time.  The “Disasters,” those divorced in that six year period, had only turned toward the other 33 percent of the time.

I would suggest to you that turning toward one another, both the bidding and responding, is giving of yourselves, it is agape, it is the love, as we read in Colossians, “it is the love that binds everything together in harmony, in unity, as one.”

Trait number one that the Masters of Love possess is that they “Turn toward one another.”  They bid, simple things, a penny at a time.  And they respond, turn toward one another, a penny at a time.  But before you know it, the love bank is filled to the brim.

KINDNESS

The second trait that “Masters” of love exhibit is kindness.  An attitude of kindness.  “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness..” Colossians says.  “Put on an attitude of kindness.”

While contempt, criticizing, blaming, belittling, contempt is the primary factor that tears couples apart.  It is kindness, kindness, that is the glue that holds couples together.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, validated, understood—loved. 

And it seems to work both ways, it builds upon itself.  The more one receives or witnesses kindness, the kinder they become.  It leads to an upward spirals of love and generosity in the relationship.  There is a spirit of generosity in the relationship that involves kindness.

And you can be kind even when you are angry.  Putting on kindness doesn’t mean that we can’t express our anger or dissatisfaction, but it does mean that we make a choice, we choose kindness in expressing our anger.  We can throw contemptuous spears, or we can take a kinder path.

We have the ability to choose, to choose before we speak.  We have the ability to say, “What words can I choose so that what I express is not perceived as critical or blaming?  What words can I use to express myself that are kind?”

Hear this: Kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. 

The second of the two traits that “Masters” of love exhibit is kindness.

Two traits, Turning toward each other; and Kindness.  But even then marriages fail.  They are assailed by outside influences.  They are attacked.  They need protection. 

We don’t stay down on the farm anymore.  Even rural areas are suburban.  On most farms these days, one or the other of the partners are in the workplace.

       We encounter the opposite sex.  Hormones surge. 

We think it’s love when it’s really lust.  We say to ourselves foolishly, “That’s the right person.  This is the one I should have met first. We were made for each other.  We were made for one another.”   Do we remember the first sermon?  The myth if the right person?  They don't; and they destroy their marriage.

Years ago, I heard a radio program describe protecting your marriage.  The called it putting hedges around your marriage.  It could be walls or fences or motes, but they called it hedges.  You don’t let anything inside the wall that can attack your marriage unless you bring guards along with it.

And of course what they were saying is that you never let a person of the opposite sex inside those walls without protection.  You never meet alone, eat alone, drink alone, travel alone with a person of the opposite sex.  Period.

Of course that may be impractical in today’s environment.  But if you find yourself in such a situation that is unavoidable, you need to establish a virtual hedge, you create a virtual guard.  You need to recognize that you are in a danger zone.  Hedges.

A few weeks ago, I read an article about Billy Graham.  He was going to have a private meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. 

When they arrived, Billy asked Hillary’s assistant if his, Billy’s, assistant could sit in.  Hillary’s assistant objected saying that when Hillary wanted a private meeting, that’s what she meant, private.

Billy said, “Since I got married in my 20s, I swore to myself that I would never be alone with someone of the opposite sex other than my wife, and until this time, I have never made an exception.”  Billy had put hedges around his marriage.

I would suggest that if it was good enough for Billy, if Billy thought it was necessary for himself, that we ought to heed his words.

You remember Jimmy and Tammy Faye Baaker?  What if Jim Baaker had said the same?  What if Jimmy Swaggart had said the same?  What if, and every one of you can fill in the blank of someone whose lives would be remarkably different had they heeded Billy Graham’s advice.  What if they had done the same?

Hedges.  Protect your marriage with hedges.

CLOSE

Clothe yourselves with an attitude of kindness.  It is the glue that holds relationships together.  It is the number one predictor of satisfaction and happiness in a marriage.

Set aside criticism, contempt, negativity, and blame, for contempt is the number one factor that tears relationships apart.

But it is kindness that counters contempt.

Put on an attitude of kindness.  Clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility and gentleness.

 

And two, turn toward one another.  Bid for one another’s attention in a hundred different ways, a penny at a time. (Our graphic, our two coffee cups, have been waiting five weeks to show you what it means to turn toward one another.)  In little ways, bid for the other’s attention,

Then, receiving a bid, turn toward one another in a way that shows that you value the other, that you affirm the other, that the other is important to you in the grind of everyday life.

When we turn toward the other, we give of ourselves even if it is momentary.  Even then in that momentary response, we put on love, agape, giving of ourselves which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Put on kindness; turn toward one another in love. So may it be with you all.  Amen.

1) Footnotes: Frequent references to John Gottman's research presented in "Masters of Love," "The Atlantic," June 12, 2014.

 

 

HeartSmart: Ministry of Marriage

The Ministry and Meaning of Marriage

(Eph 1:3; Gen 2:24) (1/25/15)

INTRODUCTION

In March of 1960, Rosemary and I were heading home from Rapid City.  We had been dating off and on for 4 to 5 years.  There was no doubt in our minds that someday we were going to get married.  In fact, we’d been engaged for six months, the date just hadn’t been set.

On the way home, we had a spat.  The resolution, the kiss and make-up part, was that we were going to get married that weekend.  As soon as we got home we were going to tell our parents we wanted to get married.  Never mind that it took three days to get a marriage license.  It was obvious that we weren’t going to get married that weekend and our parents breathed a sigh of relief.  My dad lived in fear I would not finish my college education.

Sunday afternoon we drove back to Rapid City and decided on the way we’d get married in three weeks.  And we called our parents to let them know.  Not happy, but three weeks later we were at the church.

One little detail.  I didn’t know about this until later.  My dad was still worried about a wedding preempting my schooling.  Now Rosemary’s church did not have an entry way, no place inside for the bride to wait for the processional to begin.  She stood on the outside step waiting for the wedding march to begin.  I was to find out later that all the while she stood out there, my dad was there too telling her, “Rosemary, you don’t have to go through with this.  If you’d like to go to college, I’ll send you anywhere you want to go (meaning a long way away), and I’ll pay for it.  Rosemary, you don’t have to go through with this.”

But we did.  (I need to tell you that Rosemary and my Dad became fast friends.)  Anyway, we stood there before Reverend Locher and repeated, “I Rick, take thee, Rosemary, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and therefore I plight thee my troth.”

“And thereto I plight thee my troth.”  What in the world was that?  “Plight, troth.” By the way, in nowhere else that the wedding ceremony are those words put together that way, and I’d never heard them before.  I had no idea what they meant, but they were part of the vow.  So I said it.

I know today, this week because I looked it up, it means, “And therefore I promise to be true.”  Today we say, “This is my solemn vow.”

BODY

Now, just like I didn’t know what “troth” was, I’m not sure we knew what we were getting into or why.  We just wanted to be together.  I’m sure that others have thought it out in a great deal of detail.  But we just wanted to be together.  Fortunately, we’ve been together long enough to figure out many of the other reasons, the purposes and meanings of marriage.

One author that I’m reading sums it up well.  He says, “The purpose of marriage is not to just get along, but to support each other’s hopes and dreams and aspirations, and build a sense of purpose into each other’s lives together.”  He says, that’s really what he means when he talks about honoring and respecting each other. Those hopes and dreams and aspirations can be as varied as there are marriages.  They can be family, they can be ranches and farms, they can be careers. They can be judgeships, aspirations, and they can develop and change as you go through life together.

But they honor each other. 

And they honor God..  God is a partner to this arrangement.  It is not a contract signed by two parties, it is a covenant established by God.  God is a partner to the covenant.  God established this arrangement: “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.”  Covenant.

Let me tell you what my understanding of the difference between a contract and a covenant is.

First, a contract.  A contract establishes boundaries.  To fulfill a contract, you operate at the edges, how far you can go without violating the terms.  If you have a rental agreement that says you can only put eight holes in a wall, hang eight pictures, you probably stop at seven pictures, just to make sure.  Your concern is not the integrity of the wall, but how far you can go without violating the contract.

If I treated a marriage as a contract, I would say, “how far can I go before I dishonor her?”

With a covenant, you live into the covenant, rather than operating at the edges.  With a covenant, the question becomes “what can I do to honor her?”  Live into the covenant.

With a contract one might say, “how flirtatious can I be, before I exceed ‘forsaking all others.’?”  “What can I think before I no longer cherish her?”  What are the limits?  Where is the edge?

With a covenant, you live into it.  God lives into it.  We live into it. God made a covenant with the children of Israel, “I will be your God and you will be my people.”

God lived into it by blessings us, a blessing is the promise of a future.  Land was a part of the covenant.  In the Old Testament, it was the land of Canaan.  As New Testament participants in the covenant, we see that land as the kingdom of God and our eternal home.

Our part to live into this covenant with God, to be his people is to Love God and to Love one another.  We live into it.  We don’t ask about the edges.  O, some do.  Remember the lawyer that asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”  He wanted to know what the edges were.  He wanted to know the boundaries, he wanted to know who he didn’t have to love.  It’s the story of the Good Samaritan, and Jesus was saying, you don’t have a choice who you have to love, live into it.

How do we live into it?  How do we make the most of loving God and loving neighbor?  We are intentional about it.  We ask ourselves each day, what can I do today?  Of course we fail.  But God is faithful, “He is faithful and just and forgives us our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness.”

And of course the same thing is true in marriage.  To live into it, we need to be intentional each day about being a blessing to the other, to seek the best of the other, to honor and respect the other, to understand the other.  Of course we fail there to.  That’s why we said last week that one of the pillars of marriage, of the covenant relationship we have with each other has to be forgiveness.  “Forgiving each other as God in Christ has forgiven us.” 

LOVE BANK

So if we are going to be intentional about blessing the other, how is it that we are to do it?  And how much is enough? (Yep we still want to know where the edges are don’t we?)  Maybe the best metaphor I have seen is the love bank or relationship bank)  A bank, because it works like a bank.  We make deposits, we make withdrawals.  The account has a balance.  If we make more withdrawals than we’ve made deposits, we have insufficient funds and there is a price to pay isn’t there?  You see how this is working?  And if we have insufficient funds too long, we can expect the account to be closed.

Do you see the metaphor?

In marriage, in relationships, deposits are those things that bless the other person, that lifts them up, that affirms them, that honors them, that give them hope, that makes them see meaning and purpose, that make them feel loved.  Do you see?

Of course there are withdrawals.  Out too late with the boys.  Not getting the garbage out on time.  Staying at the fishing hole too long when there are chores. Here’s one: buying her a lawn tractor for her birthday.  Now if Rebecca bought Steve a tractor, that would be a deposit.  Not so much the other way around. 

Then there is the zinger.  That “cute,” critical, contemptuous, disrespectful, demeaning, comment made in the heat of battle.  One truth in relationships is that one zinger can destroy 20 acts of loving kindness.  20 deposits just gone with one zinger.  Instant overdraft.

The other thing is that men and women have different concepts of what makes up a deposit.  Men think it’s big things, women think they are the little things we do every day.  I say, “I bought you a car for last Mother’s Day, that ought to be enough for a year.  Right?”  Rosemary would just as soon I unload the dishwasher for her.

What is it that constitutes a blessing?  What is that helps us to live into our relationship in marriage?  In preparation for a sermon series on marriage four years ago, Church of the Resurrection did a survey of over 2000 women and 1500 men of ages from 19 to 90, these are some of the things they found that men want and women want from a relationship.  One question they asked was, “What are the things your spouse does to make you feel closest to him or her?:

Married Men, 19-29 (young bucks): 1. Having fun with me.  2. Demonstrations of affection.  3. Sexual intimacy. 4. Words of admiration/compliments. 5. Sharing feelings with me.
(One comment here and then I’m going to flash through the others so you can see the changes that take place with age.  First, fun together.  Here is the commonality, the friendship, the companionship that is so important in a marriage.  Rosemary’s niece, Katie and her husband Jesse just hit that 30 mark and boy do they have fun together.  But let me tell you the things they do are expensive.)

Married Men. 30-49. 1. Sexual intimacy. 2. Demonstrations of affection. 3. Having fun with me. 4. Words of admiration/ compliments. 5. Listening to me.  (Note that intimacy is at the top in this age group and listening to me has made an appearance.  Interesting.  Bet you women didn’t think that listening would be a man’s issue.)

Married Men, 50-69. 1. Having fun with me. 2. Demonstrations of Affection. 3. Sharing feelings with me. 4. Listening to me. 5. Sexual intimacy.

Married Men, 70-100. 1. Sharing feelings. 2. Tender touch/affection. 3. Listening to me. 4. Having fun with me. 5. Words of Admiration/compliments.
(Just so you know.  Even in this age group, intimacy was not far away.  It was number 6.)

I want to skip back to 30-49.  A couple of observations.  This age group is a danger zone.  I think we’re seeing here the impact of kids and job stress.  Kids have an impact.  Mom is worn out.  The kids worry her.  Jobs for both men and women are stressful.  Kids stress out the marriage.  There’s less time for intimacy.  We men are fragile creatures and our self-esteem gets wrapped up in our desirability and in our intimacy with our mate.  And if we are rejected, it attacks our esteem too.  It becomes important to us.  It has shot to the top of the list.  The second thing is, we need to be stroked.  Admiration and compliments are part of every age group.  We may not be admired or complimented anywhere else, but it is important in our marriage.

Again, why are we looking at this?  Women, it is a chance to see what it is that blesses your mate, what it is that draws him closest to you.  How you can make deposits in your Love Bank.

Now let’s look at what women say makes them feel closest to their mates:

Married Women, 19-29. 1. Sharing his feelings with me. (Women, does that surprise you?) 2. Having fun with me. (That’s common, good to have common things.) 3. Demonstrations of affection.  (Again men and women need affection (different than intimacy, but there’s really room for common ground.)) 4. Listening to me. (Men, does that surprise you?) and 5. Words of admiration/compliments (We all like to be appreciated.)
Now lets see how it changes with age.

Married Women, 30-49 (Again the stress years.) 1. Sharing his feelings with me. 2. Having fun with me. 3. Listening to me. 4. Demonstrations of affection. 5. When he cares for the children. 
(Again, the stress years.  I think children occupy the thoughts of the wives while the job stresses out the men and we men don’t pay enough attention to the kids.  I can hear Rosemary emphatically telling me she wanted me to spend more time with the kids, she wanted part of me to rub off on them.  It fits exactly here.)

Married Women, Age 50-69. 1. Sharing his feelings with me (Men, do you see a pattern?) 2. Having fun with me. 3. Demonstrations of affection. 4. Listening to me. 4. Making me feel safe and secure.  (I’m not sure where this one came from.  Maybe that’s why we need to teach our wives to lie and to always pack a knife (you had to be here last week.))

Married Women, 70-100. 1. Demonstrations of affection.  (Wow, affection up at the top.) 2. Sharing his feelings with me. 3. Words of admiration/compliments. 4. Tender touch. 5. When he worships with me.  (I like this last one.)

Again men, we’re looking at how we can bless one another.  Interesting that sharing feeling was on both lists.  But when Pastor Adam Hamilton used this at his church, he followed up on facebook to ask what men and women really meant by sharing?  Women said, “Sharing your feelings with me is not grunting.  I need you to tell more.  I want details.  I want information.  I want you to tell me what you were thinking and what you were feeling.”  Sound right?  For the guys it was simpler, “Tell me exactly what happened, and give it to me in 60 seconds or less.” 

You’ll notice that sexual intimacy is not on the women’s list, but demonstrations of affection, yes.  Tender touch, yes.  It took me a long time to come to understand that non-sexual touching was important.  It is important all the way to 100.

And then, “When he worships with me.”  By the way, other surveys show that deeply committed Christians share more intimacy than others.  Maybe we take the command to be fruitful and multiply more seriously.  Then worship together.  Just saying.

LOVE.     

Again, we’re talking about Love Banks.  How can I make more deposits, how can I bless my partner more?  I think the responses can be seen as the various kinds of love that flow through a relationship.  The Greeks have five different words for love.

Eros is Cupid’s love, romantic love.  It is the love that first calls us to “cling” to one another.

Agape is that God-like active, sacrificing love that we would like to emulate but we so often fail to do because we are imperfect.  We want to be self-giving but at the same time we say “I can’t live without her.”  We have need-love too.

Then there is Philo, friendship love.  It was CS Lewis that said with Eros, we share with one another face-to-face, with Philo, we look at the future side by side.  With Philo, friendship, we look at the world with common purpose, common meaning.

Then there is familial love, the love we have for family.  The Greek word is “storge.”  It showed up when the woman said they were drawn to their husbands when they cared for the children.

There’s one more form of love that intertwines all of the others and that is “affection.”  I think of affection as the charm, the tender touch, the caring that flows through all of the other types of love.  It is the blessing that the women called for in desiring from us displays of affection.

Friendship.  But friendship too weaves itself through the other aspects of love.  One marriage expert says the determining factor in which most couples feel satisfaction with all aspects of their marriage is their friendship.  I think that’s where we saw the desirability of fun together, of listening to one another, of admiring and complimenting one another.  We need a friend.

In fact one of the forms of marriage counseling is to strive to improve familiarity, to make the partners better friends.

It doesn’t make difference go away, but friends overlook differences, find a way to work around them.  And even though they may have differences, they stand side by side, arm in arm, looking at the future together.

In turn, they use their familiarity with one another to bless one another, nurturing their fondness and admiration for one another.

I seems to me that we need to work on all of these, romance, the love that first makes us cling together, may not need work at first, but after the honeymoon is over, even that one needs attention.  They all need to be weaved together.  We need to be intentional about all of them.

CLOSE

The man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two will become one.  The covenant  of marriage established by God.  A covenant with one another that we live into. 

John Wesley told his followers we are to do no harm, to do good, and to stay in love with God.  I think the same rules apply to marriage.

First, do no harm: No zingers, Avoid negativity.  Do no harm.  Do no harm is first, because remember, we can always be forgiven, but often the consequences of hurt, the consequences of harm can never be erased.

Then Do Good: We do good when we live into the covenant, seek to bless the other.  Fill the love bank to the brim.

Then, Stay in Love with one another: When we work on the loves, when we weave all five of them together; we stay in love with one another when we weave them all together in the sight of God.  We become one flesh and we are not ashamed.

So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.

HeartSmart: Habits that Hurt, Habits that Heal

(Eph 4:29;31-32) (1/18/15)

INTRODUCTION

Last week we talked about “Taming the Shrew Within Us,” words that hurt.  One author felt so strongly about words that hurt that he described them as the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. You may remember them from the Book of Revelation.  You don’t have to be a student of the Bible to know about them, they’re famous in all of literature.

John, the writer of Revelation says, “I heard one of the four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, “Come!”  I looked, and there was a white horse!  Its rider had a bow; a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer.”  Conquering.

Then a bright red horse.  Blood.  War.

And a black horse.  Famine and pestilence.

Finally a pale green horse.  Death and plague.

Conquering, war, famine, death.  Not good things.

Well, the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships are not good things either.  And they can lead to the death of a relationship.  Marriage expert John Gottman lists them as “Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and stonewalling.”

Criticism.  Now, a complaint is a legitimate part of relationships, the unemotional description of a problem to be dealt with.  The difference, the difference between a complaint and criticism is that a complaint is about behavior.  Criticism on the other hand is character assassination.  A complaint stated in a non-blaming, positive fashion would be “The house needs to be picked up.”
Criticism on the hand would be “The house needs to picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up?”

Contempt takes it a step further conveying disgust for the other, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mocking, hostility that is poisonous to a relationship.  Contempt might say, “The house needs to be picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up, you slob?”

Defensiveness is normally a means of blaming the other person.  “I’m just too tired to pick things up.  You know I have to work two jobs just to keep you in shoes.  You’d think you were Imelda Marcos.”  Yes, defensiveness is normally another form of blaming and is often contemptuous. 

Stonewalling.  As the level of criticism, and contempt and defensiveness rises almost like handing off batons in a relay, one partner or the other completely tunes out.  It’s protection from being overwhelmed by the negativity of hurtful words.  Stonewalling cuts off communications and heralds in death to the relationship.  The pale green horse has arrived.

How is it that turn the habit of words that hurt into a habit of words that heal?  Listen to Ephesians 4:29, 31 and 32: ²⁹ Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up,^[a] as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
What if we were slow to speak so that nothing critical or contemptuous or blaming ever came out of our mouths but only that which was useful for building up, for blessing, for giving grace to the other?  What if?
The passage continues: ³¹ Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, ³² and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.^[b]
“Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  As you can tell, this is one of my favorite verses.  Kindness heals, tenderheartedness heals, forgiveness heals.  And my belief is that they heal both parties.  “Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”

BODY

Harsh words are a habit that hurts.  Kind, tenderhearted, forgiving words are a habit that heals.  Of course there are other damaging habits that destroy relationships, destroy lives.

One such habit is abuse.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse so demeaning that it destroys.  Abuse.  Do you know that every 15 seconds in the United States a wife is abused by her husband?  Mostly the man, but we only have to read the book or see the play, “Misery,” to know that it’s not always the case.  And parents can abuse children both physically and verbally.

Unfortunately abuse is learned and is passed from generation to generation.

Some survive to lead productive lives, too many don’t.  Some confuse harshness with love.  It’s the only thing they’ve experienced.

Yet love lifts up, makes us to grow.  Abuse demeans and diminishes us, makes us lose all self-respect.  I’ve heard people call those things that diminish another as “evil.”  If anything would make God weep, it would be the abuse of the most vulnerable among us.

Abuse destroys.  Society has decided, and I think God would agree, that people need to be protected from abuse.  Certainly abuse harms, destroys family relationships.  A habit that hurts.

Dishonestly and Lying. 

I’m not sure where betrayal starts, but it manifests itself in lying and dishonesty. 

No relationship can withstand an onslaught of dishonesty and deceit. 

What about little white lies?  What if you believe a lie is in the best interests of the other?  What if you believe a lie is loving?  I can’t answer that.  I’m sure that once in a lifetime that may come to pass.  But I can’t answer that.

This is such a deep and dark subject that I have to add a little humor to.  My favorite Cowboy poet Yvonne Hollenbeck has something to say about lying, about when lying might be a good thing.  (“Cuttin’ Katie”  (Sorry folks, you had to be there!))

Poor handling of money.  Actually, in many surveys, money is the biggest cause of divorce.  Poor handling, poor communication about money and spending, debt that can lead a family to be deprived of essentials can lead to mistrust and deception and lying.  See where this is going?  Poor handling of money can feed into many of the other hurtful habits: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—the pale green horse arrives again.  If there is any inkling of a money problem, I would recommend that a couple attend a Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University” course at the earliest opportunity.  Not only will it teach you to manage money using Godly principles, but to communicate about money, and teach you to get and stay out of debt.  Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University.”  There are classes starting soon in Auvasse, Columbia and Jeff City.  See me if this is of interest to you.  “Financial Peace University.”  A really good course

The last two destructive hurtful habits I’ll start with a story. 

Our first real duty assignment was Ft Rucker AL.  One of the officers in our unit who became a real friend was Captain Bob Step.  Good guy, kind, warm-hearted, broadshouldered, big guy.  You could never imagine that anything could take him down physically.  One of the things we remember was that he had a Model A Ford and he used to come by and take our kids for a ride and it had a uga horn.  The kids, they were five and three when we left there, loved it.  His wife, Nancy adored him.  They were a great pair Bob and Nancy were.

We left there in 1966.  He probably did too, and then came back.  We went back to Ft. Rucker in 1972 and by that time Bob was there.  We bumped into him at the bar in the Officer’s Club.  Six years.  Just six years.  The physical transformation was astounding.  This big broad-shouldered man was a shell.  Dark circles under his eyes, gaunt cheeks, ashen complexion, skinny, alcohol had destroyed his health. 

He had been passed over for promotion.  Alcohol had destroyed his career too.  But more than that.  Bob had involved himself with an Army Nurse and together the infidelity and the alcoholism had destroyed his marriage.  The nurse got out of it, but Bob couldn’t get over it and his marriage was in shambles.  Nancy had just left to go home to Pennsylvania when we had met Bob, wretch that he was.  I don’t know which came first, the drinking or the infidelity, probably together.  We make terrible decisions when suffer from addictions.  Bob’s marriage, his career, his very life were destroyed by addiction and adultery. 

Of course there are other addictions too that we have to deal with that we may not have had to in the 60s and 70s.  Drugs, gambling, pornography.  Yes, even in the country.  Two more quick stories.

Ron and Darlene were our next door neighbors in Connecticut.  For a while.  Ron was reasonably successful.  I think they had paid cash for the house when they moved in.  Reasonably successful, then problems started.  We knew because Darlene was the type that when she opened her mouth her life story poured out whether you wanted to hear it or not.  She told everything, at least everything she knew.  Later we would find out that Ron was dealing with two addictions, cocaine and gambling.  Vicious circle.  He hoped winning would cover his drug debts which he needed to cover his gambling guilt.  And the gambling debt mounted and the drug problem got worse and worse.  Darlene had no idea how bad it was until Ron had to get out of town.  I’m sure his gambling debt was up to here and his life was being threatened.  He left town, gave the house to Darlene and headed for someplace in the mountains of New Mexico never to be found.  What Darlene found out, however, was that there was no more equity in the house.  Ron had mortgaged it all for his addictions.  Darlene was left with nothing.  Addictions, habits that hurt.

The next addiction story is closer to home.  And you just don’t think about it as part of the rural landscape.  I’ve been teaching lay speaking in Missouri for 15 years.  One of the couples, farm couple, we don’t have any Berts or Betty’s here so I’ll call them Bert and Betty.  Mid fifties maybe when I met them.  Bert and Betty were at every training event.  Dedicated to one another. 
I didn’t see them for a few years and I had a worship event that I knew that Betty could help with so I invited her to participate.  She came with her sister.  At some point her sister confided that Betty’s life was in chaos.  Bert was in jail.  The Sheriff had found child pornography on his computer. 
Betty has now dropped out of the church.  I think because it was child pornography, Bert was not accepted back into the church when he got out of prison.
Their relationship, their faith, their life is in shambles. 
They are not alone.  Pornography is an addiction.  A big addiction.  The pornography industry is a 15 billion dollar industry in the United States, a 100 billion dollar industry world wide.  With the internet, it can have its tentacles into every house in the country, every city apartment, every country farm house.  It can warp the way we view relationships.  It can destroy us.

Habits that hurt, no—habits that destroy.  If you know someone who is on or who is at the precipice of addictive behavior, there is God based help.  I’d highly recommend Celebrate Recovery, a Christian based, 12 step program available at Form Boulevard Christian Church in Columbia that provides support for all nature of addictive programs.  If you have any questions, have them see me or call me privately day or night.  Or just go to Forum.  Their meetings are from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday afternoons.  If you know anything about 12 step programs, you just go.  Know this that God cares.

HABITS THAT HEAL

God cares.  (Sometimes we have to take it upon ourselves “to teach your wife to lie and make sure she packs a knife.”)  But God cares.  That’s why he wants us to lead good lives in relationship with one another.  That’s why he doesn’t want us to harm one another.  That’s why he teaches us to live in harmony with one another.  That’s why he teaches us habits that heal.

It’s been said that if we would simply follow two kingdom habits that much of the misery in this world would instantly fall away.  Two kingdom habits:

What James called the Royal Law: Love your neighbor as yourself.  Love your neighbor yes, but love yourself too.  If one truly loved themselves they would avoid addictions at all costs, avoid harm to themselves at all costs.  The Royal Law, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

And the Golden Rule: In everything.  I think that’s important, in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you.  We want to be treated with kindness and grace, do we not?  We want to be blessed, to have the best for our lives.  If we would only recognize that and then “Do to others as we would have them do to us.”  Jesus said, this sums up all the law and the prophets.

Do unto others.  I think God wants us to be kind to one another which brings me again to today’s scripture, Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  Be kind, use words that bless the other, that seek the best for the other.  Wouldn’t you like to be known as the person that brightens the room when they enter because everyone knows that the words you will use will be words of grace, words that build others up, words that heal.  That is a habit that heals.

Now I want to talk about the habits that I believe are the two pillars of relationships.  “Forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.” 

We are human, we are imperfect, we make mistakes, we make mistakes in our relationships.  Therefore the six most important words of all in our relationships are
-- “I am sorry.”  That’s three.
-- And the other three are “I forgive you.”
--The six most important words: “I am sorry.” And “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is a habit that heals: “Forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  More than a habit, a command.  Jesus says, “You must forgive.”

The second pillar of relationships is Prayer, prayer for the other, prayer for your beloved.  Make it a habit to pray for one another, ask God’s blessings on one another, seek the best in the life of the other, give thanks for one another.  If you ask, how can you not act, too, in a way that blesses the other and seeks the best for the other, is thankful for the other.  Make it a healing habit to pray for one another.

CLOSE.

We are human, we suffer from the brokenness of the human condition.  How is it that we can minimize habits that hurt and maximize habits that heal so it is that we don’t hurt those that we love and instead bless them? 

Going back to our first sermon: We become the person we want, wants.

We do so by living a life that is pleasing to God and we do so by prayerfully placing ourselves in God’s hands.  And when we do that, God molds us, changes us.  We call that process sanctification, God taking us from where we are and molding us into what he wants us to be.  We can do little to change ourselves, but God can change us.  We can do little by ourselves to become the person we want, wants, but God can mold us to become that person.

Prayerfully place yourselves under the guidance of Jesus’ call to love:
--Love is patient.  Love waits out the other, and in the meantime…
--Love is kind.
--Love places the interests of others above self.
--Love never keeps a record of wrongs, but instead forgives.
--Love is not easily angered, instead we choose to love.
--Love always seeks to bless the other, seeks the best for the other person.
--Love never fails.

Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.  And pray for the other.

Place yourselves under God’s hand.  God will make you the person you want, wants.  So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.