HeartSmart: Habits that Hurt, Habits that Heal

(Eph 4:29;31-32) (1/18/15)

INTRODUCTION

Last week we talked about “Taming the Shrew Within Us,” words that hurt.  One author felt so strongly about words that hurt that he described them as the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. You may remember them from the Book of Revelation.  You don’t have to be a student of the Bible to know about them, they’re famous in all of literature.

John, the writer of Revelation says, “I heard one of the four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, “Come!”  I looked, and there was a white horse!  Its rider had a bow; a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer.”  Conquering.

Then a bright red horse.  Blood.  War.

And a black horse.  Famine and pestilence.

Finally a pale green horse.  Death and plague.

Conquering, war, famine, death.  Not good things.

Well, the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships are not good things either.  And they can lead to the death of a relationship.  Marriage expert John Gottman lists them as “Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and stonewalling.”

Criticism.  Now, a complaint is a legitimate part of relationships, the unemotional description of a problem to be dealt with.  The difference, the difference between a complaint and criticism is that a complaint is about behavior.  Criticism on the other hand is character assassination.  A complaint stated in a non-blaming, positive fashion would be “The house needs to be picked up.”
Criticism on the hand would be “The house needs to picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up?”

Contempt takes it a step further conveying disgust for the other, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mocking, hostility that is poisonous to a relationship.  Contempt might say, “The house needs to be picked up.  Don’t you ever pick anything up, you slob?”

Defensiveness is normally a means of blaming the other person.  “I’m just too tired to pick things up.  You know I have to work two jobs just to keep you in shoes.  You’d think you were Imelda Marcos.”  Yes, defensiveness is normally another form of blaming and is often contemptuous. 

Stonewalling.  As the level of criticism, and contempt and defensiveness rises almost like handing off batons in a relay, one partner or the other completely tunes out.  It’s protection from being overwhelmed by the negativity of hurtful words.  Stonewalling cuts off communications and heralds in death to the relationship.  The pale green horse has arrived.

How is it that turn the habit of words that hurt into a habit of words that heal?  Listen to Ephesians 4:29, 31 and 32: ²⁹ Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up,^[a] as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
What if we were slow to speak so that nothing critical or contemptuous or blaming ever came out of our mouths but only that which was useful for building up, for blessing, for giving grace to the other?  What if?
The passage continues: ³¹ Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, ³² and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.^[b]
“Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  As you can tell, this is one of my favorite verses.  Kindness heals, tenderheartedness heals, forgiveness heals.  And my belief is that they heal both parties.  “Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”

BODY

Harsh words are a habit that hurts.  Kind, tenderhearted, forgiving words are a habit that heals.  Of course there are other damaging habits that destroy relationships, destroy lives.

One such habit is abuse.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse so demeaning that it destroys.  Abuse.  Do you know that every 15 seconds in the United States a wife is abused by her husband?  Mostly the man, but we only have to read the book or see the play, “Misery,” to know that it’s not always the case.  And parents can abuse children both physically and verbally.

Unfortunately abuse is learned and is passed from generation to generation.

Some survive to lead productive lives, too many don’t.  Some confuse harshness with love.  It’s the only thing they’ve experienced.

Yet love lifts up, makes us to grow.  Abuse demeans and diminishes us, makes us lose all self-respect.  I’ve heard people call those things that diminish another as “evil.”  If anything would make God weep, it would be the abuse of the most vulnerable among us.

Abuse destroys.  Society has decided, and I think God would agree, that people need to be protected from abuse.  Certainly abuse harms, destroys family relationships.  A habit that hurts.

Dishonestly and Lying. 

I’m not sure where betrayal starts, but it manifests itself in lying and dishonesty. 

No relationship can withstand an onslaught of dishonesty and deceit. 

What about little white lies?  What if you believe a lie is in the best interests of the other?  What if you believe a lie is loving?  I can’t answer that.  I’m sure that once in a lifetime that may come to pass.  But I can’t answer that.

This is such a deep and dark subject that I have to add a little humor to.  My favorite Cowboy poet Yvonne Hollenbeck has something to say about lying, about when lying might be a good thing.  (“Cuttin’ Katie”  (Sorry folks, you had to be there!))

Poor handling of money.  Actually, in many surveys, money is the biggest cause of divorce.  Poor handling, poor communication about money and spending, debt that can lead a family to be deprived of essentials can lead to mistrust and deception and lying.  See where this is going?  Poor handling of money can feed into many of the other hurtful habits: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—the pale green horse arrives again.  If there is any inkling of a money problem, I would recommend that a couple attend a Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University” course at the earliest opportunity.  Not only will it teach you to manage money using Godly principles, but to communicate about money, and teach you to get and stay out of debt.  Dave Ramsey, “Financial Peace University.”  There are classes starting soon in Auvasse, Columbia and Jeff City.  See me if this is of interest to you.  “Financial Peace University.”  A really good course

The last two destructive hurtful habits I’ll start with a story. 

Our first real duty assignment was Ft Rucker AL.  One of the officers in our unit who became a real friend was Captain Bob Step.  Good guy, kind, warm-hearted, broadshouldered, big guy.  You could never imagine that anything could take him down physically.  One of the things we remember was that he had a Model A Ford and he used to come by and take our kids for a ride and it had a uga horn.  The kids, they were five and three when we left there, loved it.  His wife, Nancy adored him.  They were a great pair Bob and Nancy were.

We left there in 1966.  He probably did too, and then came back.  We went back to Ft. Rucker in 1972 and by that time Bob was there.  We bumped into him at the bar in the Officer’s Club.  Six years.  Just six years.  The physical transformation was astounding.  This big broad-shouldered man was a shell.  Dark circles under his eyes, gaunt cheeks, ashen complexion, skinny, alcohol had destroyed his health. 

He had been passed over for promotion.  Alcohol had destroyed his career too.  But more than that.  Bob had involved himself with an Army Nurse and together the infidelity and the alcoholism had destroyed his marriage.  The nurse got out of it, but Bob couldn’t get over it and his marriage was in shambles.  Nancy had just left to go home to Pennsylvania when we had met Bob, wretch that he was.  I don’t know which came first, the drinking or the infidelity, probably together.  We make terrible decisions when suffer from addictions.  Bob’s marriage, his career, his very life were destroyed by addiction and adultery. 

Of course there are other addictions too that we have to deal with that we may not have had to in the 60s and 70s.  Drugs, gambling, pornography.  Yes, even in the country.  Two more quick stories.

Ron and Darlene were our next door neighbors in Connecticut.  For a while.  Ron was reasonably successful.  I think they had paid cash for the house when they moved in.  Reasonably successful, then problems started.  We knew because Darlene was the type that when she opened her mouth her life story poured out whether you wanted to hear it or not.  She told everything, at least everything she knew.  Later we would find out that Ron was dealing with two addictions, cocaine and gambling.  Vicious circle.  He hoped winning would cover his drug debts which he needed to cover his gambling guilt.  And the gambling debt mounted and the drug problem got worse and worse.  Darlene had no idea how bad it was until Ron had to get out of town.  I’m sure his gambling debt was up to here and his life was being threatened.  He left town, gave the house to Darlene and headed for someplace in the mountains of New Mexico never to be found.  What Darlene found out, however, was that there was no more equity in the house.  Ron had mortgaged it all for his addictions.  Darlene was left with nothing.  Addictions, habits that hurt.

The next addiction story is closer to home.  And you just don’t think about it as part of the rural landscape.  I’ve been teaching lay speaking in Missouri for 15 years.  One of the couples, farm couple, we don’t have any Berts or Betty’s here so I’ll call them Bert and Betty.  Mid fifties maybe when I met them.  Bert and Betty were at every training event.  Dedicated to one another. 
I didn’t see them for a few years and I had a worship event that I knew that Betty could help with so I invited her to participate.  She came with her sister.  At some point her sister confided that Betty’s life was in chaos.  Bert was in jail.  The Sheriff had found child pornography on his computer. 
Betty has now dropped out of the church.  I think because it was child pornography, Bert was not accepted back into the church when he got out of prison.
Their relationship, their faith, their life is in shambles. 
They are not alone.  Pornography is an addiction.  A big addiction.  The pornography industry is a 15 billion dollar industry in the United States, a 100 billion dollar industry world wide.  With the internet, it can have its tentacles into every house in the country, every city apartment, every country farm house.  It can warp the way we view relationships.  It can destroy us.

Habits that hurt, no—habits that destroy.  If you know someone who is on or who is at the precipice of addictive behavior, there is God based help.  I’d highly recommend Celebrate Recovery, a Christian based, 12 step program available at Form Boulevard Christian Church in Columbia that provides support for all nature of addictive programs.  If you have any questions, have them see me or call me privately day or night.  Or just go to Forum.  Their meetings are from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday afternoons.  If you know anything about 12 step programs, you just go.  Know this that God cares.

HABITS THAT HEAL

God cares.  (Sometimes we have to take it upon ourselves “to teach your wife to lie and make sure she packs a knife.”)  But God cares.  That’s why he wants us to lead good lives in relationship with one another.  That’s why he doesn’t want us to harm one another.  That’s why he teaches us to live in harmony with one another.  That’s why he teaches us habits that heal.

It’s been said that if we would simply follow two kingdom habits that much of the misery in this world would instantly fall away.  Two kingdom habits:

What James called the Royal Law: Love your neighbor as yourself.  Love your neighbor yes, but love yourself too.  If one truly loved themselves they would avoid addictions at all costs, avoid harm to themselves at all costs.  The Royal Law, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

And the Golden Rule: In everything.  I think that’s important, in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you.  We want to be treated with kindness and grace, do we not?  We want to be blessed, to have the best for our lives.  If we would only recognize that and then “Do to others as we would have them do to us.”  Jesus said, this sums up all the law and the prophets.

Do unto others.  I think God wants us to be kind to one another which brings me again to today’s scripture, Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  Be kind, use words that bless the other, that seek the best for the other.  Wouldn’t you like to be known as the person that brightens the room when they enter because everyone knows that the words you will use will be words of grace, words that build others up, words that heal.  That is a habit that heals.

Now I want to talk about the habits that I believe are the two pillars of relationships.  “Forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.” 

We are human, we are imperfect, we make mistakes, we make mistakes in our relationships.  Therefore the six most important words of all in our relationships are
-- “I am sorry.”  That’s three.
-- And the other three are “I forgive you.”
--The six most important words: “I am sorry.” And “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is a habit that heals: “Forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  More than a habit, a command.  Jesus says, “You must forgive.”

The second pillar of relationships is Prayer, prayer for the other, prayer for your beloved.  Make it a habit to pray for one another, ask God’s blessings on one another, seek the best in the life of the other, give thanks for one another.  If you ask, how can you not act, too, in a way that blesses the other and seeks the best for the other, is thankful for the other.  Make it a healing habit to pray for one another.

CLOSE.

We are human, we suffer from the brokenness of the human condition.  How is it that we can minimize habits that hurt and maximize habits that heal so it is that we don’t hurt those that we love and instead bless them? 

Going back to our first sermon: We become the person we want, wants.

We do so by living a life that is pleasing to God and we do so by prayerfully placing ourselves in God’s hands.  And when we do that, God molds us, changes us.  We call that process sanctification, God taking us from where we are and molding us into what he wants us to be.  We can do little to change ourselves, but God can change us.  We can do little by ourselves to become the person we want, wants, but God can mold us to become that person.

Prayerfully place yourselves under the guidance of Jesus’ call to love:
--Love is patient.  Love waits out the other, and in the meantime…
--Love is kind.
--Love places the interests of others above self.
--Love never keeps a record of wrongs, but instead forgives.
--Love is not easily angered, instead we choose to love.
--Love always seeks to bless the other, seeks the best for the other person.
--Love never fails.

Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.  And pray for the other.

Place yourselves under God’s hand.  God will make you the person you want, wants.  So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.