HeartSmart: "Taming the Shrew"

Second in the HeartSmart Series on Relationships

 

HeartSmart: “Taming the Shrew”

(Eph 4:29-31; Ja 1:19) (1/11/15)

INTRODUCTION

Last week we began a new series, “Heartsmart,” about relationships.  Relationships are important to God, with us and among us.  That’s what the biblical story is about, God’s relationship with us, with the community of believers, and a personal relationship through Christ’s incarnation.  Then if you think about Christ’s commandments, they are all about relationship: Love the Lord your God, yes; but love your neighbors as yourself; by this you will be known as my disciples if you have love for one another; in everything, therefore, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Relationship.  Relationship is important to God.  It needs to be important to us.  We need to talk about it.

Last week we began the series with the title, “The Right Person Myth.”  For this series, rather than a short summary in the bulletin each week like I’ve done in the past, I’m printing a few copies of the entire sermon that will be available in the back.  I’m also posting them on line at my blog so that people like Claire and Cody can have access to them.

So last week we said, whether you might be a person looking for a friend, a single looking for a mate, or a married person in a new season of life where things aren’t as you might want them.  Maybe our Prince Charming isn’t; or maybe our Snow White is a little dingy, or maybe we’re different.  In the meantime, in the meantime, instead of frustratingly looking, searching in vain, we are instead to become the person we’re looking for is looking for, becoming the person we want, wants. 

As a Scripture, we used 1 Cor 13 (“If I speak in the tongue of men and of angels and do not have love, do not have charity, do not have agape, I am nothing.”) and said it was never meant to be a wedding scripture but about relationships.  Paul didn’t write it to a married couple, but to a small church.  It is about how we are to treat one another in relationship.  In fact, it’s a checklist on how we can become the person we want wants, the person we’re looking for is looking for.  If fact we created a card with such a checklist.
--Love is patient.  Patience is the theme.  In the meantime, we use the “love” checklist to become the person we want, wants.  We focus on ourselves, not waiting for the other.  We are only in control of ourselves.
--Love is kind.  When we enter the room, do the dogs scurry into the corner, or does the warm-hearted index rise?  Do people smile as the result of our presence?  Do they feel blessed because we are here?  Love is kind.
--Love does not eny, it does not boars, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.  In other words, love puts the interest of others ahead of self. 
--Get the picture?  Examine yourselves often using love, active, sacrificial love of 1 Cor as a checklist.

Always seek to bless the other person, to be a companion, to be understanding.  One of the primary reasons people desire to be in relationship is to have someone who understands them.  Be that person: Seek to bless, to be a companion, be understanding.

Last week, I used, maybe overused, Rick and Rosemary as an example.  Truth be known, we get along pretty well.  We are not confrontational people.  In fact, if anything, we shy away from confrontation.  We’ve found ways to work things out, to accept things that we can’t change, to be gentle.  I’m happy about that because I don’t like confrontation.

But guess what, we can’t always avoid it can we?  We can’t always avoid confrontation.  In business, I often had to get involved in negotiations.  Stakes can be high, emotions can run high.  In fact, sometimes I thought my job depended on the outcome.  High stakes. 

I can remember times when I had a person on the other side of the table who had little to lose, scream at me, be abusive.  I would feel things welling up inside me, about to explode.  A couple of things I learned

First, extricate yourself.  One person calls this “Go to the balcony.”  If you can’t leave the room physically, do it mentally, extricate yourselves.  Mentally, people might recommend counting to 10 (or maybe a hundred) until you respond.

The second is, and I’ve found this is much better than counting, is to pray for the other person.  It is difficult to get upset with the other person if you are praying for them, asking God’s blessings on them.  Better than counting.

BODY

And we know people who fly off the handle, say things they deeply regret, and after the fact, say that they don’t mean to but time after time they hurt the people they care about the most.

Then there are those who can’t seem to have conversation without their emotions getting in the way and before you know it, someone is out of control.  That is the shrew that is within us.

How did they get that way?  What do we do now?

This is not a new problem.  In Psalm 4, considered a Psalm of David, in other words written a 1000 years before Christ, not a new problem, it says, “When you are disturbed, do not sin; ponder it on your beds, and be silent.”  I would interpret that as saying, “sleep on it.”  “Give it time.”  “Give it thought.”

Good advice for a physical reason.  We were made with this wonderful thing called adrenalin that surges into our system when we are in trouble and causes what we call a “Fight or Flight” reflex.  No time for thought, just respond.  Jump out of the way of the oncoming car.  Or stand your ground, fight or flight. 

No time for thought.  The adrenalin actually shuts down rational thought so we don’t stand there analyzing the oncoming car saying “That sure is a pretty car.”  Without thinking we jump.  We get a command from the back of brain to jump.  Without thought “jump.”

(In one of my many trips to Australia, Rosemary went along on two.  On our first visit, she couldn’t get used to the jet lag and by the fourth day, she still hadn’t slept—a basket case.  Anyway, on the fourth evening we were in Melbourne and a group of us decided to walk across the street from the hotel for dinner.  Rosemary looked, stepped in the street to go across and was immediately greeted by the blaring of a horn.  She ran across six lanes of traffic before anyone could say anything.  What we learned was that the most dangerous thing in Australia was not driving on the wrong side of the road, by looking the wrong way before you stepped off the curb.  The second thing is that adrenalin caused us to jump, in this case across six lanes of traffic.

Likewise when we are threatened by words, and our emotions well up inside us, the adrenalin rush shuts down our thoughts and we speak without thinking, sometimes hurting the people we love the most.

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me” is simply not true.  We know that.

And one more thing, every “zinger” can undo 20 acts of kindness or love.  Every zinger!

GOD

It’s not new.  It’s an age old problem, and God has a lot to say about it.

James says, “the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! ⁶ And the tongue is a fire. [He continues] The tongue is placed among our members as a world of iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature,^[a] and is itself set on fire by hell.^{[b] 7} For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, ⁸ but no one can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. ⁹ With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. ¹⁰ From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters,^[c] this ought not to be so.”

Then in 1:19, he says, “let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger;

And Paul says in Ephesians, chapter 4: “²⁹ Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up,^[a] as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear…. ³¹ Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, ³² and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.^[b]”

Let no come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up so that your words give grace to those who hear.  Grace.  Let your words bless the other person.  Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God is Christ has forgiven you.  Be imitators of Christ.

CLOSE

So when confrontation occurs if emotions arise, if we feel the shrew emerging within us, how are we to act? 

First, if we have a choice, “Sleep on it.”  If not sleep on it, “Nap on it.”  What I mean by that is take a break, go to the balcony.  The reason is that it takes 20 minutes to get adrenalin under control once that rush occurs.  During that time, rational thought is diminished and we are likely to say those things we regret.

As Psalm 4:4 says, “Sleep on it.”  At least nap on it.

The second rule in taming the shrew within us is to “be quick to listen.”  Listening is the best way to avoid an escalation of a war of words, “Be quick to listen.” 

Psychologists call this “Listen-talk.”  When we respond to another, especially if they are spiraling out of control, by replying not with our rebuttal, that’s what we want to do right, tell ‘em what we think right now, not with our rebuttal, but by conveying what they’ve said, what we’ve heard.  And if what we have heard is emotionally charged, we acknowledge that too.  “You think me spending all weekend with my fantasy football friends is neglecting the kids and you’re angry about it.”  (or hunting, or fishing, or shopping.  You get the picture.)

But it’s not time to state your side of the story until you know your partner or your friend understands that you understand.  One of most infuriating things of all is for the shrew within us to think we’re being ignored or the other party is not listening, or doesn’t understand how important an issue is to us.  We can convey our attention, our understanding with Listen talk.

Steve Covey in “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” said it this way: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”  Listen talk does not mean we agree.  It means we understand and is intended to convey that we understand to the other.  Listen-talk avoids criticism and deflects blame, both emotional parts of arguments.  Convey understanding.

It is what James said, “Be quick to listen.”

Then James says, “Be slow to speak.”  Why slow to speak?  We need to take time for our words to be measured, even if the time is only a second or two.  We need to be positive in describing problems and solutions.  We need to minimize blame and criticism.  We can only do that if we are “slow to speak.”

“Look, I recognize that neither of us is spending enough time with the kids.  What if I make sure I spend at least a half day every weekend with the kids.  And what if I pick up the household chores a couple of nights a week so that you can spend more time with the kids, too?”

Measured, slow to speak, positive recognition of the problem and positive in describing solutions.  It’s only possible if we are slow to speak.

Now if he had been even more thoughtful.  He might have added.  “Why don’t we spend time going to church together as a family?”  That would have been thoughtful.  That would have been “slow to speak.” 

James ends with, “Be slow to anger.”  Go to the balcony.  Take a break.  Do not let the “Shrew” within us win.  An emotional response of “I’ll damn well do what I want.  They’re my weekends” said in an angry tone is only going to get a more shrill and emotional retort.  Be slow to anger.  It breaks the escalation of the conversation.

By the way, if you and your partner are prone to escalating arguments, you need to create a house rule, one that says you can stop.  If you feel anger welling up or see it in your partner, you can “stop,” or “I need a nap,” or some agreed to code word that with it promises when things cool down, you’ll get back together and talk calmly about the problem.  Be slow to anger.

Why?  Because God says so.  Lots of reasons, but that may be the best.  God says so.  I love these lines from Ephesians: “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice.”  In other words, “Be slow to anger.”  Then Paul continues: “and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  In your conversations, in your problem solving, imitate Christ.  Be kind to one another.

And if you can’t do that take a break.  Call time.  Go to the balcony.  Take a nap.  Sleep on it.

By the way.  Another rule.  While you’re sleeping on it, you can’t be scheming how you are going to get even.  Instead, pray for one another.

WE

We began by saying that relationships are important to God.  So important in fact, Jesus begins and ends his teachings on the Sermon on the Mount giving instruction on relationship. 

Remember, after the beatitudes, Jesus begins his instruction by saying, “You have heard it said of men of old, you shall not murder, but I tell you whoever is angry with his brother or sister….”  Relationships.

Jesus then concludes the Sermon on the Mount by using half of Chapter 7 to give us rules for relationships.

I’m not going to read all 12 verses from Chapter 7, but you are familiar with all the pieces of it.  You may not have put it all together as relationship instruction.

He begins by telling us “Do not judge.”  Important relationship instruction, right?”  And he admonishes us to examine the log in our own eye.  Again, acknowledging that we may not be able to do much about the other person, but we can about ourselves.  “Do not judge.  Why are you critical of the speck in the other person’s eye when you won’t even examine the log in your own.”  Great wisdom for relationships.

The next verse are these strange sayings about not casting your pearls before swine or they’ll just trample them underfoot.  Maybe within the context of today’s message, Jesus is telling us that within the context of a heated, an emotional discussion, even our pearls, our best arguments are going to be rejected, trampled underfoot.  Don’t do that.  You’re just escalating the heat, damaging your relationship.  Instead of casting your pearls before swine, be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” 

Next in Matthew 7, Jesus gives a short interlude on prayer.  What did we say?  In the midst of heated discussions, pray for one another.  “Ask, seek, find.”  Pray for understanding.  Pray for God’s blessings for the other person.

Then Jesus wraps it all up.  Relationships.  He says, “Therefore in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you; for this is the law and the prophets.” 

And what do we want in our relationships?  We want to be blessed, we want to be understood, we want companionship.

How do we tame the shrew that is in us?  Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.  Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.  Treat others as we would like to be treated.  The very core of Jesus’ teaching is about relationships.  So may it be in all of our lives.  Amen.